Top 10 Ways to Fake it When You Can’t Take it

It’s June and all you homos know that can only mean one thing…PRIDE! That magical time of year when major cities and small towns impersonating big towns become one giant rainbow colored love fest for all things that do things to other people’s things. Grab your bedazzled utilikilt and take to the streets damn you!

Of course most major pride events don’t take place for another week or so yet…so we’re going to fright this up a bit with some horror pride.

It's a lot like regular pride but without the metric ton of glitter...

Today we’re going to be talking about how to keep your pride as a horror fan. How to become a movie house hero, never outwardly wavering even though you might have soiled yourself during the preview for the Don’t be Afraid of the Dark remake. Today you’re getting my (not so) secrets for looking like your bored when all you’re thinking about is the exact location of every light switch in your house. Today you get Fright Dyke’s TOP 10 WAYS TO FAKE IT WHEN YOU CAN’T TAKE IT-

10. Sit in the back corner- Location, location, location. This one works for all but the most crowded midnight showings. No one’s going to notice you getting the wiggins if no one can see you. It also only really works if you’re going to the movie alone and every other seat in the house is taken because otherwise you look like you got lost looking for Tangled.

And even HE knows you're a wuss

Badass rating: -1,000

9. Go the bathroom/ snack stand- This one is still a cheapie but at least it takes some timing. You can only use this escape a maximum of twice before people start to catch on or assume you’re having some kind of traumatic gastrointestinal episode. Neither of these deductions look good. Save it for the last half hour and if at all possible at least use a fake out; if you’ve just spilled your friend’s popcorn all over their lap a quick mea culpa and a rush to the concessions stand isn’t cowardice…it’s just good manners.

 

Not that the bathroom is necessarily safer…

Badass rating without fake out: -850/ with fake out: – 800

8. The most beautiful soda you’ve ever had- This one is particularly good for movies with a lot of jump scares as you’re likely to save yourself from certain humiliation just about every time you line up your straw. As with any of these there is a limit to how many times you can do this without detection so use it in conjunction with another tactic if you’re in a particularly good flick. Will also work with popcorn if you’re the kind of person who needs to aim when eating with your hands.

Who would have ever thought one day you would need his help...

Badass rating: -700

7. Drop it like it’s hot- This is standard. You don’t want to be looking up? Find an excuse to look down. Buy a box of candy and don’t open that sucker, put it on your knee relatively precariously and wait for something to make you nervous. Be careful though; if you’re down there looking for it for longer than 10 seconds or so you’ll be made.

Don't buy these... no one will believe you want them back.

Badass rating: – 550

6. Striptease- “Gosh it’s hot in here.” Or “Damn movie theater a/c!” are both acceptable reasons to look away from the screen for a few seconds while you remove or add a jacket/sweater. Depending on the time of year there is a little prep work for this. You have to figure out before the movie starts if you should keep it on or take it off to start with. Unless you’re a skinny bitch in which case it is accepted as fact that you will be cold the entire time even if you’re seeing this movie in a drive-in on the surface of the sun.

DON'T YOU EFFING DARE!

Badass rating: – 400

5. Something in my eye…- Rubbing at your eyes is certainly going to be effective, the key to this is the sell. Don’t just slap yourself in the face; twitch uncomfortably, use one finger, then your fist, then your sleeve. No one is going to buy this if you don’t make it a blue light special. This is also a good way to set up that run to the bathroom if things are getting particularly hairy.

See! She's got it!

Badass rating: -250  (depending on the strength of your performance).

4. Sneeze/ Coughing fit- This one is a last ditch effort. You got taken off guard by a jump scare or you’re trying to figure out how the director knew you were so afraid of the majestic Nubian Ibex when you can feel the scream/jump coming at you like a freight train.

DON’T PANIC!

Throw your hand over your mouth (for sanitary purposes) and sneeze/cough the s*** out of it. Again performance is key here. Hint: no one actually says “atchoo” when they sneeze.

Professor Wall Cat with the demo

Badass rating: -100

3. Become a sports fan- Hats are awesome, awesome things. They keep your head warm, proudly proclaim your allegiances and can save you some major face at the movie theater. This isn’t a cheapie because it takes skill, prep work and is only ever a partial solution. If you’re doing it right you will still be able to see a portion of the screen. You need a cap with a broad bill so Baseball style hats are the s***. Don’t fold the bill all the way when you purchase your new equipment. The curvier the brim the more middle of the screen you’ll see. The easiest way to gauge this is to look at yourself in the mirror from a distance of about ten feet away. When you tilt your head slightly back you should be able to see your entire reflection. But here’s the important bit. If you look level at the mirror you shouldn’t be able to see anything above your chest. This way when you’re sitting next to someone if they look sideways at you; you look like you’re staring straight ahead when you are in fact comfortably oblivious to what’s going on, on screen.

Of course some hats are better than other hats...like 27 times better than other hats...just sayin'

Badass rating: + 50 (for deception and time investment)

2. Slide into 2nd – This one’s tricky because it requires a partner. Preferably of the sex you prefer but not necessarily a deal-breaker if you’re desperate. If you have a significant other- take them to the movies. If you don’t you’re going to have a rough decision to make. Do you have the cajones to deal with the fall out from this?

Extra points for breaking up the double play

Badass rating: + 500 (if you don’t chicken out)

  1. Wrath of GOD- There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING more GODDAMN IRRITATING than PEOPLE WHO TALK DURING MOVIES! I did not pay 10-15 dollars of my hard earned money to listen to you flap your lips. I don’t give a crap if you think the movie’s stupid especially because you DON’T think it’s stupid. Talking during the movie is just an artless, selfish and completely obnoxious way of covering up the fact that you just s*** yourself. So if you’re about to have a nervous breakdown because of what’s happening on the screen. Send that nervous energy in a productive direction. I’ve never been to a horror movie screening where someone wasn’t being an asshat. Turn around and go Christian Bale on that f***er. Righteous anger is the opposite of coward. Plus you’re doing an important public service.

Machete don't talk at the GODDAMN MOVIES!

Badass Rating: Danny Trejo.

So there you have it. I hope you found this list helpful. It is however important to note that none of these tips should be used to excess, A) people aren’t dumb, they’ll figure you out and B) if you don’t want to be on the receiving end of No. 1 you’re going to want to keep distracting behavior to a minimum.

Your honorable Screamstress,

~Fright Dyke

Advertisements

One Response to “Top 10 Ways to Fake it When You Can’t Take it”

  1. I usually rock back and forth muttering under my breath about my happy place with eyes firmly shut and hands over my ears….dare I ask my badass rating?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: