Hazard Pay: Top 10 Worst Jobs in a Horror Movie

I think we all accept, as we get older that our initial dreams of how we’re going to spend the rest of our lives are a little unrealistic. I mean when you’re a kid and someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up; there are a couple of stock answers that as we get older become non-options. Whether this is due to a change of heart (zoo keeper gets less attractive after you read Everything Poops… A LOT), a lack of ability (who knew you needed to be a goddamn rocket scientist to fly the space shuttle?) or it just turns out that it was never a real job in the first place (New York Mets President of Fan Relations).

Basically what happens is that we grow up and find out that being a grownup sucks lycan balls mid lunar eclipse. There is no such thing as a ‘fun’ job that’s why they call it work. Now this is not to say that there aren’t people who enjoy their livelihoods very much. If you get a sense of fulfillment out of what you do that’s awesome. But for your average stiff, work is work. We have tyrannical bosses, idiot bosses/clients /customers/end users/co-workers/bosses again/vendors/contractors/bosses third time/ poodles, who gives a fuck they’re all certifiable morons and then the frustrating nature of work itself. Why the fuck should I have to get up every day and spend 8-12 hours someplace I don’t want to be, doing something I don’t want to do? Average jobs SUCK.

And this is WITHOUT the chainsaws...

Then there are these jobs.

If you think you have it bad, the next time you feel like you’re going to lose it I want you to think of these poor assholes.

10. Academics/Professors- Not only are you tasked with the laudable/laughable goal of educating perpetually horny, drunk, high or psychotic college students. You have to worry about being a laughingstock in your own field (I dare you to name a horror movie academic that wasn’t on the verge of censure from their department head – for those of you Googling that was a rhetorical dare for emphasis you literal bastards) and supernatural malevolent forces that want to claw your heart out and eat it like a Fig Newton.

This is why no one wants to take your class on Modern Mythology and the Social Contract

I mean it’s your job to discover new things. Antiquities, paranormal phenomenon, anthropology, ethno pharmacology- all of which require you to deal with ancient (cursed) artifacts or study places and people that have had a veritable shit-storm of evil rain down upon them? The entire course manual at your average university is essentially a menu of “what obscure discipline would you like to be the death of you this semester?”.

9. Armed Forces- Ok it’s bad enough that your job is dangerous on a normal day. But when you throw trans-dimensional monsters and aliens into the mix even being Army strong doesn’t necessarily put you at an advantage. On top of this you’re usually the last ones called which means whatever you’re fighting has gotten a few practice rounds in before you even show up, it’ll be about 30 times bigger than it was to start with, you won’t have any idea what the hell it is or what it’s weaknesses are and your commander will be the guy who doesn’t really know what he’s doing but screams at the top of his lungs all the time so his superior officers think he’s a ‘warrior’.

You don't need to retreat, those little streaks of light will totally shock and awe that motherfucking thing

8. Novelist- This used to be such a respectable, quiet profession…till Stephen King. Now you’ll be constantly subjected to shit so strange you couldn’t have thought it up with the most random ass writing prompt exercise you’ve ever been taught. Ghosts are a big one, they seem to be drawn to you, inexplicably fucking drawn to you; you can’t walk to the john unescorted by half your dead relatives if you’re a writer. Then there’s the evil spider/clown demon thing that you completely forgot tried to eat you as a youngster (though he did give you that awesome Charles Atlas workout book…I mean that thing got you ripped). And finally who can forget that crazy chick that tied you to the bed that time (no, not that time) and went all Lizzie Borden on your feet with a sledgehammer. Maybe you should have taken over the family grave robbing business after all.

In just seven days I can make you...

 

...ALL FLOOOOOAAAAT!!!!!

7. Mental Health Professional- Ok in all fairness when you signed up for this one you were expecting psychos and freaks. Unfortunately what you got were psychos and freaks with Mensa level intelligence or a soul made of pure undying hate. The worst part though of course is that you are Cassandra princess of Troy. You tell everyone you can find (police, FBI, your local Barista) that your current subject is evil incarnate and no one, I mean NO ONE will believe your PhD. having ass, no matter how much credibility that awesome British accent gives you.

You are also required to grow a beard and where glasses, regardless of gender or the recommendations of a licensed optometrist.

6. Research Scientist- This is a bit different from the academic section. Mostly because you insist it is ( you do real research) and also because you’re a motherfucker. Whatever it is that’s chasing you down a hallway right now, slathering blood at your heels….yeah you made it that way asshat. Whatever you did when you poured that green stuff into that vial full of purple stuff and then injected it into a chinchilla? Yeah that was a bad idea.

Go ahead, make him 20 feet tall, let's see if he takes any of your shit THEN...

5. Prostitute- So you want to be a hooker? Well let’s see; if your neighborhood wasn’t a horror movie, your job includes getting into cars with people you know nothing about and then letting them do pretty much whatever they want with you for a price. So when you add a psychotic to the mix basically you have set yourself up as a victim drive thru. Plus there’s the little matter of the sex/drugs/illegal behavior = death rule for your average slasher movie, you have no fucking chance. You are in the script for the sole purpose of getting naked and then getting dead.

Of course for some of you death could be a sweet, sweet mercy...

4. Babysitter- This one truly sucks, it’s not even a full time gig. I mean you’re doing this for a little extra pot money and because your asshole jock boyfriend is too busy rolling around in the grass with other guys in spandex and beating up queers to get a job to buy you stuff. I mean sure the kids are cute and their parents leave the liquor cabinet unlocked but those seem like pretty shitty perks for a 95% percent chance of getting a knife to face.

"Wait a minute...I didn't tell you I was watching Hole in the Wall...

3. Camp Counselor- I mean come on now what are you HIGH? Oh right you are, ok then let’s go through this slowly and with small words. There is no such thing as an urban legend in a horror movie. Remember that little camp fire tale you were planning on telling your fellow staff members that first night, to get the hot bimbo one to be so scared she needs “comforting”? Yeah it’s absolutely true. Every freakin’ word. You remember that part about the head counselor that got his intestines strung around the archery range like Christmas garlands? That’s NOTHING compared with what some other idiot is going to be saying about your untimely death… around a campfire, in sequel number 18.

Welcome to orientation: you won't be needing that W-2...

2. Law Enforcement- This one’s a toughie. Your job is to respond to murders, and murderers, and your occasional genetically engineered Mega Chinchilla. Basically you’re the one who gets thrown in harm’s way when everyone else does something stupid to get in harm’s way. I mean who could blame you for being skeptical about the mental patient wearing a clown costume and high heels in the woods story? Those fucking kids are always trying to get you into trouble and at this point disbelief is just the last in a long line of completely ineffectual defense mechanisms. Because when you know you’re gonna die; you should at least be allowed to pretend it’s not real.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T ASK HIM ABOUT THE BALLOONS!!!

  1. Security Guard- This job is essentially the love child of Law Enforcement and Babysitting. That is to say you have all of the responsibility of law enforcement without the firepower and all the danger of babysitting without the courtesy of even having a name in the credits. You are the first death, the red shirt aboard the Enterprise and usually the only person of color for miles (why is that?). It is in your job description to break every survival rule in horror and all you get is a night stick and some pepper spray. Heard a strange noise? Get your ass over there. Perimeter alarm is ‘on the fritz again’? Better book it Handy Manny. That scientist in the chinchilla enclosure can’t be raised on the radio? Eh his batteries are probably dead better bring him a new pair, and hey while your down there can you check the fusebox in the subbasement? Yeah the power’s out again. Damn thunderstorm during a total eclipse of the moon, in the middle of nowhere, on Halloween, three miles from the old McTaggert place.

you poor....poor bastard

Happy job hunting.

Your gainfully employed Screamstress,

~Fright Dyke

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8 Responses to “Hazard Pay: Top 10 Worst Jobs in a Horror Movie”

  1. Two Trek references in one post? Aw, baby, you do pay attention!

    –Bright Dyke

  2. All I can say is that I love this post.

  3. I found this on snidewriter and thought it was funny as hell!

  4. […] I was reading the article, Hazard Pay: Top 10 Worst Jobs in a Horror Movie (on the blog, Fright Dyke) that talks about how the average stiff complains and dreads his job. So […]

  5. chinchillas…

    […]Hazard Pay: Top 10 Worst Jobs in a Horror Movie « Fright Dyke[…]…

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