Ranturday-6/18/11

A Word About Bugs

As a general rule I am in favor of bugs; they’re little (disgusting) animals which are necessary to their environment. They also make awesome horror movie villains. All in all their existence on this planet is beneficial for everyone; yes even spiders (for all you budding entomologists out there, yes I am aware spiders are not insects, I just don’t give a crap) have their role to play in making earth habitable for us. That being said there are certain, let us say, attributes of their physiologies and behaviors that make me want to carry RAID in a holster at my hip.

A gender confused male black beetle.

Mainly the problem is the ‘too many legs’ thing. I mean what the fuck. are you seriously going to tell me four proportional limbs aren’t  enough for you? As for centipedes they can just fuck off, there is no reason, no reason at all.

Seriously I think this is just so birds can have a "nothing but drumsticks" option.

But there is also just the sheer tenacity and lack of manners thing. which is what I really think gets me angry. I mean barring some unusual circumstances you don’t generally have other critters walking around your house uninvited. It’s not like when I’m sitting watching TV I’m likely to turn my head and find a squirrel crawling around on the wall. Though they have been known to do incredibly irritating fan performances of Streetcar Named Desire.

STELLLAAAAAA!!

As if home invasion weren’t enough they also have this highly disturbing habit of crawling ON me. Now I don’t know about you but I feel like it’s only fair at that point that I should step on them too.

See this is what happens when you let them walk all over you.

But on top of all this there is also the simple fact that some bugs can and will (if provoked and by provoked I mean unintentionally moving the limb they are currently crawling on) hurt you. They have stingers and mandibles and in some cases can fire their tiny little needle like hairs at you like a goddamn gattling gun.

This is Terrence- his fucking HAIR is dangerous.

Which brings me round to telling you why this Ranturday is so buggy. I have only one rule with nasty, vicious little beasties. If I can’t see you…we’re cool. This may seem unfair but in all honesty it’s in their best interest to be hidden anyway. I mean we’re not talking about creatures at the top of the fucking food chain here*.

*Above: The top of the fucking food chain.

So anyway today Bright Dyke and I were eating lunch when I found myself having to go all Ashley Williams on a paper wasp whose christian name I believe was Smaug The Magnificent ( he had it tattooed under his left wing). My weapons of choice was a dish towel and my Docs. All of this while Bright Dyke stood in the bathroom and shouted helpful advice. (She did however pick it up afterward in order to give it a burial at sea…it’s too soon for a Bin Laden joke here isn’t it?). My point being that occasionally the little fuckers break the rule and are practically begging for an unspeakably violent demise.

The Chiefest and Greatest of Calamities...also I think he just flashed me a gang sign.

So to some up, bugs are awesome, as long as they can’t hurt me and stay the fuck out of my sight. I feel like this is pretty reasonable right?

Your groovy Screamstress,

~Fright Dyke

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One Response to “Ranturday-6/18/11”

  1. Of course, my helpful advice was somewhat along the lines of “KILL IT! KILL IT NOW! OH LORDY JEEBUS!” I feel like I contributed a valiant effort.

    -Bright Dyke

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