Paternal Paradoxes, paradoxi,paradox…fuck it.

Happy Father’s Day! Ok so I’m (sort of) late god bless the west coast I’m coming in under the wire for all you Californian dads. The thing is I had a little trouble with today’s post. In that it’s really two. I wanted to do the 10 best dads in horror movies…but that seemed kinda difficult there are a lot of mama’s boys in horror but daddy’s little girl…not so much. So I decided to do the 10 worst dads in horror movies…but that seemed a little disrespectful it being father’s day and all, so you get both. Ladies and gentleman I proudly present DUELING TOP TEN LISTS!

 

It's like dueling banjos...without the forced sodomy after.

All the entries marked with an A ex. 10A. are from the good list. All entries marked with B. ex. 10B. are from the bad list. Now is that really so effing difficult to get? I’ve also included a helpful gift giving guide if this rundown touches close to home and you haven’t gotten a gift for your old man yet.  Enjoy.

 

10A.Mr. Starling: Silence of the Lambs– We only see him in flashbacks; but by all accounts of Clarice’s neurotic little memory he was an all around good guy and the reason she went into law enforcement in the first place. Given the trauma of his horrific and violent death planted the seed that Hannibal Lecter would later exploit to make her totally cuckoo for cocoa puffs but that’s not really his fault.

See what daddy issues make you sleep with?

 

Father’s day gift: A plain black tie.

 

10B.Mr. Prescott: Scream– This guy is about as useful as a cat flap in a rising garage door. I mean he gets captured sometime between his first ten seconds of screen time (which he only gets so we can use him as prime red herring material later) and his flight that’s supposed to be like 6 hours after that. He spends three days being held hostage and apparently never even considers attempting to escape from his ironclad DUCT TAPE bonds during the presumably eight or so hours he has unsupervised every goddamn day. Way to leave the heavy hitting to your sixteen year old daughter there Rambo.

He's gone berserk! Quick someone get a brown paper bag!

 

Father’s day gift: A pocketknife just sharp enough to cut through fucking duct tape.

 

9A. Whip Dalten: The Beast– He’s just a single dad raising a ridiculously hot teenage girl, and just generally being the only decent human being on an island being attacked by a giant squid, in Peter Benchley’s incredibly original story idea. He is the hero of the thing after all, and avenging not one but two horny twenty somethings that tried to bang your daughter is pretty damn understanding.

Also his name is Whip

 

Father’s day gift: A shotgun- killing twenty something boys is a lot easier than killing giant squids.

 

9B. Mayor Larry Vaughn: Jaws– Yeah Benchley’s got a lot of horses in the race here. Mayor Vaughn is one of those characters you just love to hate, he’s pompous, greedy, in total denial and he has an awesomely bad 70’s suit. On top of being responsible for perhaps some of my favorite lines ever uttered on film( “I want those little paint happy bastards caught-and hung up by their busker browns!”) he also is an awesomely bad parent. In both Jaws and Jaws 2 this asshole makes decisions that directly put his children in danger of being eaten by a goddamn shark. I mean I’m pretty sure that’s one of those primal “shouldn’t let that happen” instincts. Don’t let a shark eat your baby. Yeah that’s totally up there.

Bruce never eats him...presumably because he doesn't like the taste of bullshit wrapped in polyester.

 

Father’s day gift: The issue of National Geographic with Matt Hooper’s name in it.

 

8A. Thomas Crowley: Hatchet– This one’s a little touchy. It’s kind of a reverse Friday the 13th thing. Thomas Crowley is the father of Victor Crowley who is this franchise’s primary bogeyman. Hear me out. Sure he apparently is partially responsible for Victor being Victor (he and Manny Ramirez’s dad are in the same support group) and sure he did kind of hit him in the face with a hatchet. But he was doing this while trying to save him from the cabin a bunch of d-bag townie kids had just set on fire with the poor deformed little Victor still inside.  All in all on this list that still earns you some major father of the year points.

Kane Hodder, playing his own dad. This adds credence to the legend he sprung from Crystal Lake fully formed.

 

Father’s day gift: A fire extinguisher.

 

8B. Sheriff Thompson: A Nghtmare on Elm Street(o-1984)- Mr. Thompson means well I guess. The problem is he’s a total dick. See he has the misfortune of being both a father and a cop in a slasher movie, which pretty much means he doesn’t believe a word of what anyone says. However his frustrating inability to even attempt helping his daughter Nancy is just unforgivable. I mean come on by the time Johnny Depp gets sucked through his mattress and into some kind of box spring housed human juicing machine…you’d think this guy could take a minute to hear his kid out on this whole ‘Dream Demon’ theory.

Yeah yeah sweetie I heard you Eddie Luger, now be quiet while daddy shoots all of your friends.

 

Father’s day gift: A year’s supply of Ambien.

 

7A. Nathan Wallace: Repo!: The Genetic Opera– First off: fuck you this movie is awesome. Ok now that that’s out of the way, Nathan is a little tricky as well though it’s not on the same level as our previous ‘good’ entry. He loves Shilo pretty much unconditionally. Their relationship earns some serious points due to it’s tragic nature and also because it might be the most realistic father/daughter interaction on this entire list. He truly believes he’s hurt her but is going to do everything he can to protect her; and even though this ultimately leads to some fairly disastrous results that is pretty damn admirable in a horror movie. Also I DARE you to listen to their duet- “I didn’t know I’d love you so much” and not burst into fucking tears at the end.

this will be the father/daughter dance song at my wedding...yes with the fake blood... and Giles

 

Father’s day gift: Rotti Largo’s smoldering carcass.

 

7B. Mr. John Hammond: Jurassic Park– Yeah I know, he’s not actually the father of those two adorable little ragamuffins. But doesn’t your mom always make you call grandpa on father’s day? Mr. Hammond has pulled a Larry Vaughn on an epic fucking scale. He KNOWINGLY puts his adorable little grandchildren into the care of strangers and then sends them out into a zoo of fucking monsters. Now I know what you’re thinking: he didn’t know that crap would happen. This is very true. However just a thought. Would you send what are presumably your most dearly loved little ones out into the jungle the FIRST time you’re trying out your little overgrown science fair project? No? I didn’t fucking think so.

They're actually from Child Protective Services

 

Father’s day gift: A nice room at the home. That’ll be the easiest power of attorney hearing EVER.

 

6A. Louis Sweetzer: The Last Exorcism– This guy seriously gets a bum rap. I mean you spend about 90% of the movie assuming he’s a total psychopath and at least indirectly responsible for what’s going on. Then of course you find out that he’s about the only decent person in the movie; he’s just going through some stuff. Would’ve ranked a little higher if he’d been more effective/ had only one kid. I mean I think it’s pretty clear he’s only batting .500 on the parenting thing.

Would you believe this is the one he DIDN'T fuck up?

 

Father’s day gift: Heavily underlined military school pamphlets.

 

6B. Charles McCulloch: Friday the 13th Part VII: Jason Takes Manhattan– Ok so he’s her uncle but a father figure nonetheless and a major asshole. We have the disbelief factor here, the general asshattery and on top of everything: who the fuck pushes a little girl who’s afraid of drowning off of a rowboat? I mean that’s just terrible without the rowboat being the middle of FUCKING CRYSTAL LAKE at the time.

Dude you've got bigger problems than falling overboard here...

 

Father’s day gift: Life insurance-Jason Voorhees is staunchly against traumatizing children…unless he’s the one doing it.

 

5A. Ian Malcolm: Jurassic Park II: The Lost World– What’s worse than living through hell? How bout doing it again with your kid in tow? Jeff Goldblum manages to be almost likeable shepherding his daughter around Isla Sorna, saving baby T-Rexes and running through John Hammond’s second biggest fuck up gauntlet.

Honey, do you want Child Protective Services to come for you?

 

Father’s day gift: Five minutes alone with John Hammond and a Louisville Slugger.

 

5B. Steven Wilkins: Trick r’ Treat– Now it should be made clear that Principal Wilkins doesn’t necessarily do any physical harm to his son. However poisoning children and then teaching your little hellspawn to carve them into ‘Jack-o-lanterns” before going out and living up your Dracula fantasies doesn’t exactly win you father of the year awards.

Those little saws they give you with the kits are for amateurs

 

Father’s day gift: Silver bullets.

 

4A. Martin Brody: Jaws, Jaws 2– I don’t give a shit what Mrs. Kintner thinks. Brody is a damn good guy and a pretty awesome dad. I mean if Ian Malcolm gets props for running around site B, surely Brody has to get some for getting in a goddamn dinghy and facing the world’s most badass fish for a second round all to save his sons and their idiot friends. I mean the second time he doesn’t even have a gun, he has an oar and a power line. He practically had to shove his hands down the shark’s throat to kill it. That’s some pretty epic parenting.

Above: the Macguyver of shark fishing

 

Father’s day gift: Exemption from the next two sequels.

 

4B. Jerry Blake: Stepfather(o-1987)- Now it’s never a good thing when dad’s trying to kill you. I mean you already have the tension from him literally being able to say ‘your mom’ to end every argument. The homicide just drives that Oedipal complex deeper. The fact that this isn’t the first time he’s done it…well at least it’s not personal.

yup...your mom

 

Father’s day gift: Classified section from ‘Desperate Widows Weekly’.

3A. Jackson Curtis: 2012– This movie is kinda meh. But you have to give this guy some credit. I mean he goes the extra mile to save his kids AND his ex-wife with her plastic surgeon husband. If you thought dinosaurs and sharks were bad try….everything. I mean everything is trying to kill you at once and you’re going to take the time to make sure your wife’s new d-bag husband is ok? Just because your son kinda likes him better than you? Props to you sir.

Yep that's John Cusack...not being a tool.

 

Father’s day gift: Hydro-powered laptop.

 

3B. John Bell: An American Haunting– There’s a lot going on here. This is a period piece, so there weren’t a whole lot of parenting manuals available. That being said sexually molesting your daughter to the point that she manifests poltergeist activity that puts your entire family at risk…generally a bad idea.

This is Bigby, the pedo hating wolf...you'll be seeing him again so y'know make friends

 

Father’s day gift: Bribing the warden to keep him in solitary. Child molesters don’t do well in gen-pop.

 

2A. Lucifer: The Omen(o-1976)– I know it may seem tasteless, putting the Devil on the good dad list but hey credit where credit is due folks. He gets the kid an extremely dedicated babysitter/puppy, kills a whole bunch of people who could potentially harm the little tyke, and has a job lined up for the kid before he even gets out of the womb. How’s king of earth sound tiger? I mean as fathers go the dedication is clearly there. Really the only flaw with the whole scenario is that we never get to hear Damien scream “You’re not my real dad!” at Gregory Peck.

She's like a Transformer!

 

Father’s day gift: The complete and utter desolation of humankind.

 

2B. Mr. Marsh: Stephen King’s IT– It’s not exactly a good thing that while fighting a shape-shifting demon/spider/clown monster that the scariest thing it can think of to show you; is your father. Poor little Beverly’s dad worried, he worried a lot, and to show how much he cared she got years of physical, emotional and possibly sexual abuse from Derry’s favorite janitor. While this does result in a rather satisfying asshole boyfriend smack down later on, this guy is just a total scumbag. I mean if you were ever rooting for someone to get dragged down a sewer drain, this guy’s your huckleberry.

Dude even Pennywise is uncomfortable around that douche

 

Father’s day gift: A ticket for one to the subterranean circus out by the Barrens…

**************************************************************************************************************************

AUTHOR’S NOTE: NANCI CLOSE YOUR EYES AND HAVE ANDY SCROLL DOWN THE PAGE UNTIL IT’s SAFE. THAT IS ALL FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NOT NANCI- PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE HOMO BEHIND THE CURTAIN CONTINUE ON WITH YOUR LIVES AS NORMAL….ALSO

LOOK IT'S WALL CAT!

****************************************************************************************************************************

1A. Josh Lambert: Insidious– He’s got a little of the non-believer thing going on sure, but I mean agreeing to be hypnotized so you can go into the hellverse your comatose son is currently trapped in is pretty noble in and of itself. Considering some of the things this guy has seen before entering the total hellverse? Borderline insane. I got news for you if I’d gotten a load of Gregory pre or post hellverse insertion…I can’t promise I would’ve so much as thrown the kid a flashlight before soiling myself and clicking my queer little heels three times for home thankyousoveryfuckingmuch.

This is Gregory...he has some personal space issues

 

Father’s day gift: Whatever the fuck he wants did you SEE that fucking thing? If he wants hookers in diamond bikinis to serve him Courvoissier behind homeplate at Yankee Stadium for every home game for the rest of his natural life he’s earned it.

 

1B. David Calloway: Hide and Seek– Now I know that this might be un PC. The man has a mental disorder that causes him to do bad things. However, we’re not debating whether or not he is a good person, in truth we’re not even debating if he’s a good father…because he’s not. Being a twisted psychopathic killer isn’t ok when you’re the legal guardian of a child. Even if you think you’re in your study when all the bad shit happens. I guess what truly baffles me is how no one(in the movie, not the audience) figured out what the hell was going on before the end credits. I mean he’s not just terrorizing his daughter here, there’s her little playmate and couple of actual bonafide adults in there too.

For the love of god kid SAY something!

 

Father’s day gift: reversible plain/wacky tie.

 

Ok folks there you have it the best and worst of the horror world’s patriarchs…this is why I’m a feminist.

 

Your daddy’s girl/Screamstress,

 

 

~Fright Dyke

 

 

Advertisements

One Response to “Paternal Paradoxes, paradoxi,paradox…fuck it.”

  1. nanci cope Says:

    i greatly appreciated the heads up! And I’m happy to say I still have no idea what the monster from insidious looks like!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: