DVD Tuesday!…Sorta…KInda…ok not really…

Hey Folks,

So yeah technically this is DVD Wednesday but I think we’ve pretty much officially thrown all semblances of a schedule out the window here. Besides this week is just plain weak when it comes to fright flicks. (I know there’s all kinds of hype about Hobo With a Shotgun but honestly I just can’t bring myself to care, even with Rutger Hauer.) So we’re playing the anticipation game again. This time for a movie that’s still a ways off but I can’t wait.

You’ve got to love a movie title that’s giving you commands even if it is a dirty, dirty remake. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark comes out August 26th in theaters and I’ve been seeing the trailer for some time now (most notably before Insidious and Scream 4) and I have to say I’m excited.

Katie Holmes confronts something scarier than Scientology.

This one is playing it pretty close to the chest, and while I realize it’s a remake (original made in 1973) I’ve never seen the original and don’t know much about it. So I am actively refusing to Google it to avoid spoiler issues. (apart from Google image search clearly) but either way this looks like it has the potential to be great so I’m going to be generous and give it five reasons ‘for’ and five ‘against’.

Keep the Light ON:

  1. It’s written and produced by Guillermo Del Toro. You may have heard of him, he made a little movie called Pan’s Labyrinth a few years back. I got people who hate subtitles to watch that movie and they loved it. Yeah Hellboy II was kind of disappointing but you KNOW the monsters in Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark can only be improved by his involvement. Also anyone that Peter Jackson is willing to entrust with The Hobbit deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Seriously Del Toro knows his way around some messed up shit.

2. The trailer is scary as hell. Seriously I have trouble watching the bit with the bedsheets. You Tube that shit and tell me you didn’t cover your eyes.

Doesn't she know you should NEVER EVER LOOK?!

3.   It’s rated ‘R’ for “pervasive scariness, violence and terror”. I think it’s fair to say that these three things are fairly important in the genre. I mean it’s not like it’s rated ‘R’ for  “pervasive cheerfulness, snuggles and sunshine”.

Yeah I image searched Care Bears and came up with this...

4.    Who isn’t afraid of the dark? This is primal, we don’t like not being able to see things, and if they’re smart (which I hope they are) we’re looking at a potentially Jaws level reveal in the final act, and you KNOW I don’t throw that around lightly.

Of course some films try to take advantage of this and fail miserably... my brothers and I actually watched this twice in a row just so we could mock it some more.

5.    Small child in peril. This is two-fold. First off humans have these things called parental instincts. Even in the land of Horror it is universally taboo to show or even imply violence done to children, it gets the audiences hackles up. This is a dangerous fine line depending on which way the story goes. Del Toro’s done it VERY successfully before and I have faith that he can repeat the performance. Second, like the primal fear of the dark; the child in peril trope taps into something instinctual. We’re identifying with the little girl in this scenario, and that feeling of empathetic helplessness should amp the scare factor way up.

Of course some films see the fine line in a rearview mirror...

Anyone Else Sleepy?:

  1. It’s a remake. I hate remakes as a general rule; they are redundant story telling and you very, very rarely see a good one. I have yet to see one that was better than it’s predecessor and that is theoretically the point. This one MAY get a free pass because the original is a classic but not iconic film. My major problem with remakes are that they are unnecessary, because studios only remake well known, much loved movies. I mean who’s going to take a terrible movie and make the mistake all over again? Even though one would theoretically argue that those are the movies that SHOULD be remade…oh wait this isn’t Ranturday.

THIS. WAS. NOT. NECCESSARY. AND TOTAL CRAP

2.    It’s a remake of a made for television movie. Now don’t think I’m hatin’ on the small screen. TV has brought me wonderful, frightening and just all around AWESOME genre flicks (Stephin King’s: IT, The Stand, Duel) for one thing the story can be lengthened because you don’t have to worry about audience ass-numbing.  However, as the SYFY channel has apparently dedicated it’s existence to proving; sometimes made for TV movies are TOTAL SHIT.

The universally accepted gold standard for TOTAL SHIT

3.  Small child in peril. Remember that fine line we were talking about? It’s socially acceptable to put kids in danger, but almost universally taboo to actually HURT them. Now I am NOT in any way shape or form in favor of violence towards children, but horror movies aren’t the real world. Besides we keep bitching and moaning about how they’re formulaic and stale but then we don’t want them to break the rules? (*Author’s Note: This does not apply to remakes of slasher franchises with five or more sequels, you give Jason a gun we’re gonna have a conversation…lookin’ at you NewLIne)

They didn't cast Kane because they KNEW he would have stopped them

4.    It has an awesome trailer. We’ve all seen this before; with Horror but even more so with comedy. You ever ask someone how a movie was and they said all the good bits are in the trailer? There is danger in a preview being that interesting.

Yeah we all got fooled big time on this one...why Bettany?

5.     Ahem, the MPAA thinks it’s scary. This is the MPAA we’re talking about here. If there’s one thing I think every movie buff can agree upon; it’s that these d-bags don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. I mean they rated the ‘Film That Must Not Be Named’ , R and look at that steaming pile of crap. DAMN YOU M. NIGHT! YOU PROMISED! YOU PROMISED ONCE YOU GOT AN ‘R’ RATING THEY’D BE GOOD AGAIN!….I’m fine.

It's just sooo painful....

 

Either way I’m going to see this thing, but perspective is always a good thing.

 

For those of you who actually care what came out this week:

 

Hobo With A Shotgun– Starring Rutger Hauer, I have to say again that I still don’t care. Looks like a poor man’s version of Machete.

 

The Frankenstein Syndrome-Direct to DVD, no explanation required but I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.

 

Bloodlust Zombies– Direct to DVD Zombie flick; again willing to give it the benefit of the doubt…but I’d rather just replay Left 4 Dead

 

Strangers Online– It’s an ‘erotic thriller’ …yeah I’m thinking at least one of those words is being stretched to the limit here.

 

Bloodrayne: The Third Reich– Will they EVER stop making these?

 

 

Your tardy Screamstress,

 

 

~Fright Dyke

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