Ranturday 7/23/11

Hey Folks,

Ok so just in case you were wondering, yes I do go to movies whose goal is not to make me soil myself. Horror is just my favorite. But I do love me some non-horror moviegoing, largely just because I love going to the movies (my wallet and I will reach an agreement on this someday.Which is why today we’re going to talk about a trend in recent movie production that sets my teeth on edge.

No not that one; but have you ever seen an actor more off putting than this d-bag?

But first some backstory:

Exhausted from playing Sisyphus with our furniture in the everloving heat and with an extremely rare concurrent night off, Bright Dyke and myself decided to experience a mutual obsession:

Wall Cat Appreciation League?

Harry Potter.

Losers... everyone knows Lord of the Rings is better.

We’re both huge fans of the books, midnight release parties (with an honorable mention in the costume contest por moi thank you very much…obligatory shout out to Fright Bro No. 2 for the hair and makeup work), midnight showings of the films and lots and lots of po…fanfic. Since the Boy Who Lived came into our (at that point) seperate lives round about 7th grade, we’ve both been huge gigantic nerds about the whole shebang. I mean I’m one of those idiots who cried over the 7th book. ( I lost 2 out of 3 of my favorite characters during the battle of Hogwarts…we have ribbons.)

NO

WORDS

So there are two separate rants going on today. Harry Potter the final cinematic installment and 3D.

Yup 3D; see Bright Dyke and I decided this being the last ( and most EPIC) of the Potter films we should treat ourselves and go big. 3D IMAX all the way baby!

Can I Get An AMEN!?

Now I have shunned, positively snubbed 3D movies (as much as I can) up until this point. I don’t get the gimmick, (yes even Avatar, actually kind of especially Avatar) it feels like a cheap (cinematically speaking) way to heighten the effect of the movie. Why make a scene jump out of you with beautiful directorial prowess, when I can actually just pay someone to hit a few keys on a computer and actually make the scene JUMP out at you?

It's a slippery slope people

Now I’m not saying there’s no place for 3D there are movies where it makes a lot of sense, like Piranha, or The Final Destination where we’re trying to scare the crap out of you, and the illusiion of a tractor trailer hurtling at you is likely to do that.

Damn those are some good specs!

Anyway I was willing to make an exception for Harry Potter; because I really, Really, REALLY wanted to see Molly Weasley blow Bellatrix Lestrange the FUCK UP, 30 feet high with chunks of crazy flying at my face. ( For those of you gasping SPOILERS in disbelief: the book’s been out two fucking years people you had your chance.)

Hey crotch face have you ever seen Scanners?

Now this rant isn’t going to go into the whole “OMG they changed shit! Grab your torch and pitchforks!” direction.

( Though would it have fucking killed you to let Tonks have ONE MISERABLE LINE?! I mean c’mon here does Natalia Tena charge by the word or something? I mean seriously I recognize she’s a ‘minor’ character but she’s not that fucking minor! For fuck’s sake James Potter’s been dead since before the series even started and he practically got a damn soliloquoy!)

Also James Potter was a total dickweed...yup I said it.

I recognize that when you’re making a movie out of this kind of source material things are going to get changed or omitted to suit the format. Such is life: I still have the book and can read it any time I damn well please if  I don’t feel like the abridged version.

No the HP fail that occurred this week, I can’t pin on Warner Brothers or J.K. Rowling ( Ok lady I knew Snape wasn’t getting out of there but TONKS? She just had a baby f’chrissake, and doesn’t ONE of the marauders deserve a happy ending? You’re one sick chick Rowling.) It’s on me.

At least I still have you Minerva: just in case you needed further proof that Scottish people fucking kick ass.

More specifically my eyes. See I wear glasses and as any prescription eyewear sufferer can tell you, glasses of the non 3D type are the natural enemy of the 3D type. It’s like lions and hyenas they just don’t like each other.  You know how uncomfortable those 3D glasses are? Have you ever tried wearing two sets at once? Yeah.

Yup it's like that

But I have a slightly bigger problem. I had seen 3D movies in the past and always thought my prescription was messing with the effects because I could not for the life of me really ever see anything ‘pop out’ at me.

So before going to see HP I decided to do a little research to see if maybe it would be worth it to try not wearing my ‘scripts to get a 3Dtastic (if somewhat blurry) experience for the final Potter extravaganza.

Turns out it’s not.

You see (or don’t) I have a still bigger problem than just being nearsighted (which I am) or having an astigmatism (which I do). I was born with something called Strabismus. The easy way to explain it is to say that I was born cross-eyed or wall-eyed. Meaning that if little baby Fright Dyke tried to watch her ‘power tools of the world’ mobile merrily spin my left eye would follow the mechanically correct chainsaw and my right eye would go off into the corner all Blair Witch style and take a coffee break. (CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!)

Thank you Moody Cat...as I was saying...

Three, count ’em three eye surgeries over the course of my first two years on this planet later, the problem is all but corrected.

Y’all caught that ‘all but’ part right?

See the surgeries corrected how my eyes looked (so I don’t look like Igor’s spinster cousin over here) but they couldn’t correct my stereo vision (when you focus on something with both of your eyes, mine will face the same way but my brain will only be ‘looking’ through one of them at a time) now this isn’t debilitating or anything but it does mess slightly with my depth perception and guess what: I will NEVER be able to see 3D effects EVER. The way the technology works requires you to have a certain level of functionality in the stereo vision department that I just don’t got.

Now given this is a problem for about 5% of the population but still this fucking sucks man.

Almost as much as this....almost

Not only am I forever denied flying chunks of crazy Helena Bonham Carter, but I am also forever doomed to hating this gimmick on principal and then being told ‘you just don’t like it because you can’t see it’ by everyone around me. (This exchange promises to be level 8 funtimes for Bright Dyke)

Now given I could still see the movie just fine, but why am I paying up to $10.00 extra for effects that I can’t see? Why am I putting those uncomfortable busted specs on when all they’re doing is correcting the color for me? And why do I always HAVE to be the asshole who insists we go to the 6:00 pm showing of something because every other screening is in 3D?

Damned if I do….

Also this isn't relevant at all but Chuck Norris's Patronus is NEVILLE FUCKING LONGBOTTOM

Your blindly furious Screamstress,

~Fright Dyke

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