DVD Tuesday 9/20/11

Hey Folks,

 

It’s Tuesday and thank god because according to my horror movie blog not a damn thing has come out since August 23rd

 

Anyway as has become our custom we have a lot to get through today so we’re going with the 1 for 1.

 

 

 

 

Probably still better than Avatar

Aliens vs. Avatars– Exactly what it sounds like.

 

Welcome to Pandora

 

This could actually be a decent idea…as a comedy. I mean who wouldn’t want to watch the xenomorphs completely fuck up the Na’avi’s shit for an hour and a half. Plus we could have a Sigourney Weaver fight…Ripley would win but I mean come on tell me you wouldn’t want to see that?

 

Get away from her you bitch!

 

That is if this were the actual real life movies and not an ASYLUM picture which means they’ll not only take this thing seriously but neither property will look even remotely like itself.

 

 

Ghost Rider's bald younger brother...

 

Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2– Oddly enough the sequel to Laid to Rest. Chromeskull wakes up from his apparently ‘near’ death experience at the end of the first film and pretty much picks up where he left off.

 

Dig it

 

The first movie actually wasn’t that bad, there were some innovative kills and credible attempts at plot development.

 

Rest Home

 

This is a sequel, the odds of getting anything but the same with more splatter are pretty slim. While this isn’t a bad thing in and of itself, we are talking about Ghost Rider’s non-flaming cousin here.

 

We're getting further and further away from the teddy bear cover concept George

George Romero’s Deadtime Stories Vol. 2– Another installment in the Great Romero’s anthology horror venture. This time we’re being presented with ‘Quota’, ‘Wet’ and ‘Valley of the Shadow.’

Tuck me in

 

I still like the anthology format, there’s always a chance you’re going to see something that for whatever reason was never made into a feature, but should have been.

 

Leave the light on

 

There’s also a chance Romero promised to produce his local Barista’s script in exchange for free pumpkin soy lattechinos.

 

yeah this is what 'queer horror' is...the director needs to be fucking shot...especially since....no i'll wait for ranturday

L.A. Zombie– Ok we have to talk about this one and we will at a later date, probably a ranturday. It’s essentially softcore gay porn…with zombies.

 

Aww look they learned how to use photoshop

Paranormal Haunting: Curse of the Blue Moon Inn– Ok honestly I’m not sure if this one’s a joke or what.

 

“High in the peak stands the Blue Moon Inn, the home of Matthew Hopkins for as long as anybody cares to remember. Here is the place where once every century the moon appears to turn blue and all-manner of strange and terrifying events are said to be unleashed upon the land. The time has come and with it a small group of interested individuals. An astronomer, an astrologer and a documentary filmmaker all arrive unaware of the evils that will befall them. A nightmare unfolds upon each one until the final shocking conclusion. Prepare for witchcraft, occult rituals and answers to age-old mysteries. Prepare yourselves for the Blue Moon”

 

That’s the description on IMDB it’s also the only information about the film which means the ‘anonymous’ poster also directed this thing.

 

Paranormal Haunting?

 

I kind of just want to see if the movie’s in engrish too at this point.

 

As opposed to a ‘normal’ haunting?

 

Ok so the title and the description both sound like a fifth grader came up with them, and only two of the cast members have more than one credit to their name, one of which is a porno. Yeah I’m gonna go with no on this one.

 

It's rather light out...and clean looking for a...oh shit...

Savage– A Swedish import, about a double homicide (sort of).

 

Double your pleasure

As previously mentioned a lot of good stuff has been flowing from the scandi-wegian portion of Europe lately and I’m willing to give it a go.

 

Don’t Swede it

 

DANGER DANGER ABORT ABORT ABORT!!! I have just been alerted that the words ‘art film’ have been used as a descriptor.  So three hours of pretentious existential horseshit with ten minutes of some guy beating his girlfriend to death with a bat while wearing a tutu as a fox voiced by Michael Caine laughs at him and tells him his mother’s a whore.

 

Now with free tragedy masks

Terror Trap– A young couple traveling story. Guess what the locals aren’t friendly.

 

The bait might be worth it

 

This has isolationist thriller written all over it, most likely with copious amounts of blood and after reading the description for Savage I feel the need to watch someone get their achilles tendon ripped out.

 

Get me out!

 

On the other hand isolationist thrillers have become quite the one note haven’t they? Thanks a bunch Hostel.

 

giggity

We are the Night– Lesbian vampire movie, Lena gets bit by Louise who also has Nora and Cassandra….giggity.

 

Wrong me, wrong me, wrong my brains out!

 

This is a tried and true subgenre, and they probably won’t sparkle.

 

Someone call Buffy

 

They will also look like pornstars and probably be killed by something agonizingly phaillic, like more phallic than normal.

 

Not to be confused with Death of Virginity

Death of the Virgin– A young Canadian woman about to take her vows for the convent begins getting disturbing premonitions that lead her to a dark discovery.

 

 Swear to me

 

I’m intrigued by the location and the film-noir feel the description gives.

 

Jesus wants a divorce

 

This could very well just be Nightmare on Elm Street with nuns.

 

God i hate kids

Haunting at the Beacon– or just the beacon, a couple who have recently lost a child try to help the spirit of a trapped little boy in their apartment building, but find they are in over their head.

 

Beacon me up

 

It’s a ghost story you know I’m going to. Besides the guilt angle here could lead to some truly awesome mindfuckery.

 

I prefer the dark

 

On the other hand if this thing has a happy ending I may as well have watched Beetlejuice again.

 

As long as it's not the silent audience we'll be good.

Silent House– This is technically a remake of a Spanish language film made last year. The most interesting thing about it as I can tell is that the movie is one uninterrupted shot…that’s right, no cuts, no editing tricks. Also it’s about a girl and her father in a creepy old house for a night.

 

Don’t interrupt me

 

This one should be worth seeing for the cinematography alone. This is a gimmick that’s a huge risk particularly in a horror film where much of the fright factor depends on editing not shooting style.

 

Don’t bother me

 

That gimmick however is just that, a gimmick and I don’t know how far it will be able to carry what sounds like a pretty weak plot.

 

Not for nothing but wouldn't a Zombie easter movie be more appropriate?

Silent Night, Zombie Night– It’s an undead Christmas in L.A. when just weeks before the holiday a viral outbreak turns everyone into zed heads and an L.A.P.D. Officer with some interpersonal issues regarding his wife and partner get stuck together to ride it out.

 

It’s Christmas in September

 

This one might be worth it just for the holiday inspired zombies. Seriously watching zombie movies these days is a little like playing Angry Birds: Seasons. It’s the same movie with different skins.

 

Let’s do Festivus instead

 

All I know about this movie is in the synopsis and I already think the main character is a douche bag.

 

This is actually a documentary about the manufacturing of UGGS

Sweatshop– A group of friends decide to throw a party in the wrong abandoned factory…splatter ensues.

 

Forget OSHA

 

Factories have tools…lots and lots of tools…

 

On Disability

 

Most likely so does the cast…

 

is apparently just upside down

A Horrible Way to Die- An escaped murderer tracks down his old girlfriend. Indie style.

 

What are my options?

 

Could be some intense psychological horror layered with awesome bloody awesomeness.

 

I’ll just have water

 

Could also be an expression of the filmmaker’s teenage angst…and a moo cow.

 

Now look both ways before you cross the mass grave...

Bereavement– Holy crap we’ve found one that actually had a trailer. A child is kidnapped and forced to watch a psychopath do what he does best.

 

Happy tears

 

There will be lots of splatter and screaming and very little existentialism.

 

Amber alert

 

This one appears to be of the ‘gritty modern slasher’ variety, which usually translates as hard to watch as opposed to frightening.

 

Even the kids are looking tired at this point

Children of the Corn: Genesis– Yup we’re still going, this is number 8 not counting remakes and reboots.

 

Outlander!

 

Those little bastards are still creepy as fuck.

 

You’re grounded.

 

I’m only referring to the ones in the original.

 

oy...

Roadkill– Another entry into the SyFy creature feature race. This one features a flying beast conjured by gyp…oh who gives a shit.

 

Still Fresh

 

At least it’s not Raptor Island.

 

Still Born

 

It may as well be.

 

It's not what you're thinking

Wrecked– Adrien Brody wakes up to find himself in a wrecked car at the bottom of a cliff. As he attempts to free himself, we are shown why he may not want to.

 

Follow you over

 

It is an interesting twist that we are apparently supposed to question the merit or desirability of survival here, makes me wonder what the downside would be.

 

You have fun

 

On the other hand that twist could very well make me wonder about finishing the movie.

 

 

Ok that’s it for this week and what a charming bunch they are right?

 

What'd I miss?

 

Not much.

 

 

Tomorrow I’m going to let you guys in on the gameplan for the next six weeks or so. Mostly because I need/want/feel obligated to ask for your input on the matter.

 

 

 

Your scheming Screamstress,

 

~Fright Dyke

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