Your Halloween Candy and What It Says About You

Hi folks,


I know we’re still behind in the horror-thon but I wanted to get this one out while there’s still time before the big day.


That is a Halloween 'advent' calendar...WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THESE EXISTED!?

We all know we’re being judged 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year.


This really has no bearing on anything, but I googled Sexy Lady Justice and this is the only picture I can legally show you without an age verification splash page.

Today we’re going to talk about a special kind of judgment. The judgment of snot nosed, spoiled, mouth breathing, sugar crazed little children.


That's right...her


We all remember trick or treating, as soon as we were old enough to go without our parents we turned into special ops squads trying to maximize our All Hallow’s Eve candy orgy. And there were houses we avoided like the plague to ensure this.


This is the goal people! Now move! Move! Move!

Don’t be that house!


Today I’m going to give you a helpful guide to being sure the treats you hand out accurately reflect the awesome grown up you are, and keep the little hellspawn from TP’ing your house or murdering your loved ones.


Yeah..only the beginning

I have placed them in descending order of awesome.




King sized candy bars


There is also the slightly less popular theocratic dictator sized


It doesn’t matter what kind of bar you’ve got. They’re called ‘King’ sized for a reason. Congratulations your house is the holy grail of the trick or treat crusade.


But when you run out…prepare to fechez le vache!


Beware of the trojan rabbit's coming...



What you think you are: An awesome, hip, fun grown up.


What they think you are: The candy GOD.



Fun sized brand name bars


Yay for brand recognition!


Ok so you’re not Mr. Rockefeller over there with the King sized bars; but at least we’ve heard of Milky Ways and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and they’ll still be more than happy to take them off of your hands.


By force if neccessary


What you think you are: A smart shopper.


What they think you are: Not as cool as your neighbor.


Bite sized chocolate/ lollipops and misc.


Oh god the horror

Ok so you bought the giant mixed bag at CostCo, but every good trick or treater knows that these are good for padding your candy bag with for later trades. Occasionally a particularly dim younger sibling will totally believe that twenty foil wrapped pumpkin bites of ‘chocolate product’ are worth a fun sized Snickers. You helped that happen.


Yeah no the exchange rate went haywire after the Nestle factory shut down last year...

What you think you are: You got them the damn candy didn’t you? Nobody ever gave you anything for free the little fucks should be happy with what they get.


What they think of you: Why is that man so angry mommy?



Edible non-candy


At least they're covered in sugar

You’re veering into contemptible territory here; but we’ll give you a pass as long as it’s junk food. Chips and popcorn are just fine I guess but since most of them will go stale at the bottom of the bag in mid November by the time any self respecting child will waste their ‘one treat after dinner’ on it, you’re pretty much wasting your money.


What you think you are: Original.


What they think you are: A waste of time, this also goes for any douchebag who actually hands out candy corn.


Old people candy


He's a dealer!

If I have to explain what this is you’re probably giving it out. Any form of taffy (other than Laffy) hard candy (you don’t care if half of your ‘customers’ suffer a horrible peppermint flavored asphyxiation death) or pretty much anything you could buy for a nickel or less when you were their age.  By the way we’ll be needing your driver’s license and we found you a new ‘apartment’…



What you think you are: Generous and filling the little ones hearts with the same joy you had the first time you broke your tooth on a Maryjane.


What they think you are: Old and probably going to die soon.




Didn’t expect to see this one so high did you? But either way you’re kind of a douchebag. I mean if it’s because you went out, ok whatever. But if you’re at home and you’re the guy who turns off all the lights and pretends to be gone…you deserve everything you get.


Yeah they have no idea you're in there...just like your Dad

What you think you are: A rebel bucking the system.


What they think you are: On the sex offender registry.


Non edible non candy



For real? You’re that guy? The one who decided to clean out his change jar, or the dentist who brings his work home with him? Listen if you don’t like children that’s cool with me, but seriously I have less respect for you than the tool who turns off every light in the house and pretends he isn’t home. Because you’re not just an asshole…you’re a candy tease.


What you think you are: Too busy to buy candy/ helping them in the long run by railing against this evil sugar high holiday.


What they think you are: A fucking tool.


Healthy snacks


Hope your family enjoys witness protection

For anyone planning on fighting childhood obesity this year by handing out ‘healthy options’ like unsalted, unbuttered soy corn or cranberry soy granola…


Go Fuck Yourself.


You hippie bastard, be prepared for the full wrath of the Halloween gods, and hosing bags of flaming dog shit off of your porch till August.


What you think you are: A responsible adult.


What they think you are: Their bitch for the next ten months.



Again: DO NOT



I hope you’ve found this little primer helpful. Now either get out there and make those little bastards happy;


or you know…make some friends and make some plans like a real live adult…



Your judgmental Screamstress,




~Fright Dyke



One Response to “Your Halloween Candy and What It Says About You”

  1. maturehorrorfan Says:

    Okay I get it, King size Reeses and Twix if you trick or treat me!

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