Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas

Hi folks,

 

Again, I know we’re behind on the movie reviews but this thing is time sensitive.

Yeah whatever happened to Jason kicking your ass?

He gave me a reprieve.

I find that highly unlikely

Well it’s the truth.

Yeah right, where is he?

…packing…

Packing for what?

His trip.

He didn't say anything about a trip...

I got him tickets…I kind of bribed him.

That worked?

Yeah.

Where did you send him?

…Suicide girls camping trip…

That's a thing?

Apparently.

Anyway, as I was saying; every year at about this time; millions of people have the same conundrum.

What the fuck am I going to be for Halloween?

She chose...poorly

And being the charitable and wise soul that I am, I’ve decided to help you all out. So without further ado…

Fright Dyke’s Top Ten Halloween Costume Concepts!

 

 

10. Pharmaceutical spokesperson.

Author's Note: Don't actually take the medication you're dressing up as

We’ve all seen the hundreds of thousands of commercials and ads aimed at selling us something we can’t even decide we need without a note from a professional. This one’s light on props but heavy on acting. You can wear normal clothes, just make sure they’re preppy and casual. Smile a lot and issue a disclaimer after everything you say.

Bonus points for:

I DARE YOU

How embarrassing the condition you pick is. Genital warts will score higher than chronic bladder infection and so on…

9. Classic monster retiree

Denture cream stocks just soared

Pick your favorite classic movie monster and make them old…like waaaaay old. I want to see the mummy in adult diapers or Frankenstein’s monster with a walker or Dracula with his pants pulled up to his goddamn fangs.

Bonus points for:

Boris Karloff: aged 104 no makeup

Making the agedness ironic, like giving the Phantom of the Opera a smoker’s voice or giving a werewolf a combover.

8. Ninjate/Werepire

Just y'know try not to be lame

Combining two mortal enemies into one costume is fun. Not only because you get double the costume but you’ll have someone to talk to at the party even after the other guests start avoiding you for beating the crap out of yourself constantly.

Bonus points for:

Also don't be obvious

NOT going as both an Angry Bird and a Pig. It’s so over.

7.Drag

You betta werk...

It may seem like a bit of a cop out, but this is a great standby for costume emergencies and it’s a lot harder than it looks if you’re trying to do it right.

Bonus points for:

Being Sigourney Weaver while in drag

Celebrities, couple coordinating and straight guys who actually tuck the goods away.

6. Drugged out 80’s cartoon

This really shouldn't be hard people

Smurfs on coke! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with a reason to be craving all that pizza. The possibilities are endless and vastly inappropriate which is the best kind of appropriate.

Bonus points for:

Some of them are dropping hints that could kill the Wicked Witch of the East

The drug you pick out makes the original cartoon make way more sense.

5. A SyFy original

You're gonna want to invest in a hot glue gun for this one

Ok there are two ways to do this one. You can pick your favorite crapola CGI terror and Mega or –topus  yourself out to the nines. Or you can come up with your own and see if anyone catches wise that not even the morons at Syfy have greenlit that crap yet.

Bonus points for:

No one catching on that you picked option 2.

Or going as Mega Chinchilla.

Quake with fear puny mortals!

4. Anthropomorphized electronics.

Oh I get it! You're a Zune so you have no friends!

How much do you love your computer? Or game console? Or smartphone? Or toaster?

Enough to be them for a night?

Bonus points for:

Too soon?

Mac products going through the five stages of grief.

3. Zombie Disney Characters

Great for kids!

This is sort of like the ultimate compromise costume. If you’re coordinating with other people who don’t appreciate the artistry of gore effects, you can agree to go as a Disney character…

Bonus points for:

If you are not weeping right now...you have no soul

Picking a character that died in the film, anyone we cried over as children is especially awesome because odds are at least one person at the party will be highly offended and it’s good to know who’s a douchebag within seconds of walking through the door.

2. Obscure Stephen King monsters

Read it

I’m not talking about Pennywise or Cujo or Carrie here. Give me the Road Virus or a giant mutated rat or a shit weasel! (That last one’s real…no really he made money off of that idea.) You don’t have to worry about anyone having the same costume as you  and you can impress everybody by showing off how well read you are.

Bonus points for:

Not getting confused with the SyFy original

Not popping a blood vessel everytime someone says ‘I’ve never heard of that’.

1.The Boogeyman

This one’s sort of a challenge. But if you can pull it off you’re a hero. The Boogeyman is something different for everyone. Basically: dredge up as the absolute shitting-your-pants scariest thing you can think of. Then wear it’s skin for a night.

Bonus points for:

Not shitting your pants every time you see your reflection.

For the love of God people we can do better than this!

So there you go. Now you have no excuse. There is no reason for you to not be dressed up, and there is no excuse for you not to look good.

Ok maybe some of you do

Your fashionista Screamstress,

~Fright Dyke

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