Movie Review- The Thing (2011)

Hi Folks,

 

So as I had mentioned I actually saw two films over last weekend and while Paranormal Activity 3 was an enjoyable but mixed bag; I can say the entry for today is fairly well an absolute. Today we take on a prequel/remake:

 

 

The Thing (2011)

 

Fast Facts

 

The Thing (this time around) was made in 2011 and directed by Matthijs van Heijningen…Jr.

 

My head hurts trying to pronounce that

 

 

It is a prequel of John Carpenter’s flick (which is itself a remake funnily enough of The Thing From Another World) and if you aren’t confused by now I haven’t done my job.

 

The story is set around the Norwegian expedition that the adorable husky comes from at the start of the 1982 classic. The expedition that found the Thing. If you’ve seen The Thing (1982) then you should pretty much go into this one knowing our heroes’ odds aren’t all that good.

 

Cast

 

Who looks good in a flamethrower

Mary Elizabeth Winstead- Plays Kate Lloyd our protagonist, I keep trying to tell myself it’s not her fault.

 

Nice cookie cutter face there dude

Joel Edgerton- Plays Sam Carter the tough as nails (American) helicopter pilot to provide some muscle late in the game; it’s not his fault either.

 

You look...expendable

Ulrich Thomsen- Plays Dr. Sander Halvorson, the standard douchebag in this thing. Doesn’t do a bad job of it but surprisingly the standard douchebag is…standard.

 

The rest of the cast is filled out by large men speaking Norwegian and a couple of sidekicks to the three mentioned above.

 

Observations

 

Ok not going to lie I’ve been kind of dreading this day. So far here on Fright Dyke, I have had the pleasure of telling you about movies I really liked even if they were a little wanting cinematically.

And that's being extremely generous

 

To be perfectly honest, there wasn’t really a whole lot I liked about this one.

 

The acting isn’t the problem, the cast does a nice job and they’re all suitably likable, contemptible or expendable. It’s just that the writing is mediocre, nor wowing you but not laughably bad either. Honestly I left the theater feeling like I hadn’t even seen this.

 

The whole thing was just…meh. Here are three reasons why.

 

 

1. There’s no suspense.

 

I mean one of the problems I have with prequels is the obvious; I know which characters are in the movie that takes place after this one. For instance I know that the only ones making it out of here are going to be one large Norwegian guy and a helicopter pilot.

 

Ok not just them

Believe it or not I’m still a big believer in the idea that good suspense comes from the ‘if’. The ‘when’ and ‘how’ are secondary and when you’re relying entirely on ‘when’ and ‘how’ you get ‘shit’.

 

2. Remake? Prequel? Remake? Prequel?

 

Now the script obviously isn’t the same, but there are quite a few scenes that are borrowing really heavily from the source material and they were better in 1982.  I understand the pressure to make it familiar; the original is highly thought of and there are 28 years worth of built in expectations for this movie.

 

really an autopsy scene? crazy

That being said I’m pretty sure there’s fanfic out there with a  better story for this thing. We’re supposed to be watching what happened to the Norwegian expedition that found the thing. Why does everyone speak English and why are the only two competent non-evil people American? I mean they go out of their way in the first scene Carter has to make sure everyone knows he’s from Ohio.

 

Which means he's not it

 

3. They don’t even copy well.

 

Again I understand there’s pressure to make it feel like the first one but if you’re going to try to do that you can’t use what might be some of the worst CGI creature effects I’ve ever seen in a mainstream movie. It’s really just a shave above croctopus or Mega Vole. And while I laud the writers for essentially recreating the carnage that Kurt Russell finds in the first one, as the movie progresses the monster doesn’t look scary.

 

Yeah they screwed this up somehow

It looks like it was made with photoshop and it looks about as real these:

 

Probably has the same texture too

Look, Scare Bear liked this movie, I…didn’t absolutely hate it. But there was enough that was just slightly off to make me kind of not care about it. It’s not frightening. The original nearly had me shitting myself the first time I saw it and it still gets my heart pumping a little now.

 

This film just doesn’t measure up and that makes me kind of pissed.

 

Because this is why I hate remakes; and while it’s a prequel it may as well have been a remake there isn’t a new trick under the sun in this thing (for those of you already wailing about the ‘filling’ test you can go screw yourselves that was fucking dumb; anytime you have me agreeing with the bad guy that this test doesn’t prove a damn thing- you have officially lost me) because remakes are virtually IMPOSSIBLE films to make.

 

It's a prequel...

These are the only things getting greenlit these days so you’d think it’d be the whole idiot proof thing going for them right? Wrong; you’ll get decent opening weekend numbers from people who haven’t figured out that remakes fucking suck and then your money is coming from how many copies you can convince Netflix to buy.

 

Assuming they have any customers by then

There’s a lot more to that rant but we’ll do it up proper some other time. I really wish I had more to say about this movie but I can’t come up with a single thing that really impressed me. They took what John Carpenter did, ran it through a computer that was running Windows 98 and took out the best scene in the original so they could feel like they weren’t copying. This movie fucking sucked.

 

Oh man this is riveting

Final Thoughts

 

The Thing (2011) can’t decide if it wants to be a prequel or a remake, I know the argument the filmmakers are making but I just don’t buy it. This is Carpenter’s movie repackaged for the new millennium, the only thing I liked was the painstaking effort that was made to recreate the wreckage of the expedition from the first film, but even then you kind of have to point out that they’re just straight up copying the first one.  This movie might give you a couple of jumps if you’ve never seen the original, it won’t give you any tension if you have eyes; you’ll always know exactly who’s infected trust me. The creature effects are digital nightmares but not in the way they were intended to be.

 

For real?

All in all a 4 out of 10

 

The attention to detail for the continuity is enough to give you almost half credit but the rest of this is just a waste of what you were given.

 

 

Your unimpressed Screamstress,

 

 

~Fright Dyke

Advertisements

One Response to “Movie Review- The Thing (2011)”

  1. […] The Thing (r-2011)- A remake/prequel of John Carpenter’s classic remake. If you’re confused get clarified here. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: