DVD Tuesday- THE REVENGE

Hey Folks,

 

So it’s been a while huh? Yeah I kinda passed out on November first, Bright Dyke woke me up a couple of hours ago to ask me if her Christmas sweater made her look fat and then I looked at the calendar (also apparently we got engaged at some point in there.. like for real, my credit card bill says so) anyway that whole keeping up with DVD Tuesday thing sort of flew out the window and since Wall Cat has been writing and cashing his own paychecks for a month now I figured we might want to fix that…

Bitch I told you I have a baby mama from Tahiti, I can't not get paid.

Since we have about two months worth of DVD releases to get through we’re not even doing the one for one, I’m just going to tell you what to do and expect that you will obey….

 

Sci-Fi nerds too

 

DVD Tuesday October –December 20th edition:

 

 

The Forest

An American pin-up takes her own life in the suicide Forest of Mt. Fuji and proceeds to ghostify herself and take revenge on her ex and all his friends.

 

Deforestation:

 

The alternate title is Forest of the Living Dead, I shouldn’t have to look to the alternate title for hope.

 

Probably worth it as a rental but not much more than that.

 

Blood Curse

 

From what I can tell it’s a vampire kid movie. It takes place in a castle….

 

Here’s Why not:

 

A castle in Louisiana…which is renowned for it’s Castles…

 

Could be worth it for the inevitable hilarity but I’m gonna go ahead and say wait for someone else to tell you it’s worth it for the hilarity.

 

The Child’s Eye

 

Some friends find themselves trapped in an abandoned hotel with an eerie secret…I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s haunted. Cantonese with English subtitles.

 

Blindfold Me

 

No synopsis and no English remake scheduled…if Hollywood doesn’t want to steal it you probably don’t want to see it.

 

Yeah…no.

 

The Inner Room

 

A married couple attempt to spend quality time together at a cabin. The wife starts seeing things that make her think she’s going crazy.

 

Open the door

 

Could have some seriously freaky visuals. Could have some severely anemic plot.

 

Either way I think it’s a miss.

 

The Slit Mouthed Woman

This one isn’t getting a write up because from what I can tell it is literally Carved with new cover art.

 

 

Swamp Shark

 

Do I have to? It’s a shark, it’s in a swamp.

 

Sure why not?

 

It’s a shark movie, I sat through Shark Night I can sit through this. Besides it might fight Megatopus at the end and he’s on my fantasy football team.

 

Give it a go if you can get it for free.

 

 

The Sylvian Experiments

 

Sisters deal with the aftereffects of watching people be experimented upon, psychic powers and hallucinations, Japanese with English subtitles.

 

Scientific Method

 

J-Horror has been crapping the bed lately, I’m not really into giving this one a shot. Especially since this has kind of a creepy art film vibe, which means interesting visuals but not a whole lot of actual scares.

 

I’ll take a pass.

 

 

VLOG

 

“From the producers of SAW and there’s your selling point, this one’s about a video blogger whose friends start ‘disappearing’ in really bloody, nasty ways.

 

Log in

 

Gore fest extravaganza, no plot to speak of, painfully bad acting probable? Sign me up.

 

Zombie Diaries 2

 

Follow up to the likable 2006 romp of the undead, we can expect more of the same. Ultra violence towards both the living and the undead, amped up effects and just general zombie mayhem

 

Nut up or shut up

 

It’s got zombies and no cast members of Big Bang Theory will be present. I need this.

 

The Trap Door

 

A group of twenty something’s all get an anonymous text message invitation to a party at a dilapidated old house. At which point someone or something goes all Mouse Trap on them.

 

Rube Goldberg would be proud

 

You know how you always want to play Mouse Trap until you remember that the stupid thing never works? I’m willing to give this one a half hour to prove itself, but not a minute more.

 

Beware

 

Five teens unearth evidence that the brutal local legend of a tortured boy is very true…and he’s kind of pissed about it.

 

Really?

 

Every now and then I forget that we’re still making these movies. And then I watch every single one because I have a problem.

 

George: Zombie Intervention

 

Horror comedy about a group of friends who try to talk a zombie acquaintance out of doing all the things that zombies do. Doesn’t work.

 

Really?

 

Might be worth it on a night when you’re really desperate. But I’m having kind of a hard time finding zom-coms funny anymore.

 

Hellraiser: Revelations

 

Ninth time’s the charm for Pinhead and friends. This time it’s set in Mexico.

 

I kinda have to

 

If I financially support Clive Barker, he’ll keep writing other non-Hellbound Heart related things.

 

 

The Howling: Reborn

Sequels/ reboots everywhere and not a franchise that needs them.

 

Bark Off

 

Direct to DVD was not the way to go with this thing. If you’re going to try to reboot a classic at least have the decency to waste millions of dollars of New Line’s money.

 

Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt

Four girls start converting an old house into a haunted attraction but distracted by sexual exploitation and nudity before some little supernatural creep decides to kill them.

 

Schlock Blocked

 

I’m all for exploitation, but when I know going in that all the good stuff’s going to get interrupted by some angry little Oompa Loompa the magic is gone.

 

19 Doors

A screenwriter spends the night in a haunted hotel for inspiration, an hour and a half later she has been shown what a truly dumbass idea that was.

 

Open Up

 

I’m curious to see what has her ‘questioning her sanity’ besides I kind of love the stories that punish morons who go looking for trouble.

 

Atrocious

 

Spanish language, found footage tale of the Quintanilla family that was found dead under mysterious circumstances while on vacation.

 

Hell yes

 

Ok full disclosure I’ve been waiting for this one since the trailer came out back in 2009 I’m so fucking on board it hurts.

 

The Countess

The story of Countess Elizabeth Bathory, you know the one who bathed in the blood of young girls as a beauty regimen. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Watch the movie you might learn something.

 

Draw me a bath

 

I love true stories and I’m kind of a history buff. That being said this one looks suspiciously heavy handed without the benefit of utilizing the gore. You know to keep it classy. An extremely hesitant yes.

 

Cut

 

Five friends get drunk and go explore an old English Cottage that is the subject of a local legend. Guess what.

 

Oy

 

It would be nice to see that Brits are just as dumb as Americans are when it comes to this crap. What the hell I’ll have a look.

 

1313: Haunted Frat

 

A frat house built over the remains of a mental asylum has a completely normal spring break with no death or evil manifestations of any kind.

 

Ok

 

Yeah I lied lots of people buy it, but the cover looks like gay porn and not in a fun way…I’ll give this a pass.

 

1313: Nightmare Mansion

Six good looking teenagers get trapped in a mansion where the new guy exploits their innermost secrets to resurrect his witch moth- oh who gives a shit.

 

Fuck off

 

The tagline for this movie is “A Supernatural thriller for girls” David Decoteau can suck my dishwasher safe cock.

 

The Craigslist Killer

 

True story of that guy on craigslist that was killing people and a Lifetime original.

 

Ahem

 

LIFETIME ORIGINAL

 

I Sold My Soul to Satan

A rock star attempts to sell his soul to the devil on live television but encounters some difficulties.

 

Meh

 

Rock stars don’t need to sell their soul to satan. That’s what American Idol’s for.

 

Skeleton Key 3: The Organ Trail

 

There wasn’t a synopsis of this, but I’m going to assume you follow Nicole Kidman through the arduous trek to California, watching as she fords rivers unsuccessfully, is laughably bad at hunting and everyone she loves dies of dysentery.

 

The bad news

 

That isn’t the plot of this movie at all, that was a long winded Oregon Trail joke which most people didn’t get. Guess what, don’t see this, I just wasted my time and your time with PC game humor instead of telling you anything about the movie…what does that tell you about the movie?!

 

Bite Marks

 

A gay couple get lost in the woods and then attacked by vampires.

 

Why not

 

It’s still less gay than Twilight the vampires in this movie attack people.

 

Fading of the Cries

 

A young man saves a girl from some evil guy looking for an ancient powerful necklace and then the fight demons with the power of introspection and a magical sword.

 

Dude

 

Wow I don’t care ALREADY.

 

The Open Door

 

An independent radio station is granting caller’s wishes with appropriately Wishmaster-y results.

Again

 

We’ve seen this movie before…several hundred times…but what the hell let’s go again.

 

Captive Audience

 

A maniac abuses his kidnapped victim and forces her to decide between allowing him to continue degrading her or being ‘responsible’ for him degrading someone else.

 

Hmmm

 

This could be some truly intense psychological terror. The ‘abuse’ scenes particularly promise to be squirm inducing but I’m not entirely sold on the premise.

 

Haunted Changi

 

A group of documentarians explore Singapore’s haunted Changi Hotel with disastrous results, part found footage part sort of mockumentary.

 

Sure

 

It’s a haunted hotel movie and at least partially found footage, the presentation alone should be interesting.

 

The Jack Of Spades

 

More a mystery than straight horror, this one’s about a post-Katrina New Orleans private eye investigating two murders that his father may or may not have had something to do with.

 

FOR REAL?!

 

Jennifer Coolidge is in this fucking movie?! Yes please!

 

Super 8

 

We’ve been over this- Super 8

 

ThanksKilling

A homicidal turkey killing teenagers…I shit you not.

 

Gobble Gobble…Motherfucker

 

There is nothing…nothing at all that is not awesome about this.

 

Where the Dogs Divide Her

 

A troubled amnesiac comes too in a bathroom and realizes he’s massacred an entire family, then he spends the rest of the movie remembering why.

 

OK

 

I tend to dislike after the fact storytelling but this one promises ghosts, family secrets and a promise made by a baby…ok I’ll bite.

 

Dino Wolf

A genetically engineered prehistoric wolf sets it’s sights on eating the fuck out of everyone in this creature feature.

 

Wha?

 

It’s a man in a fur coat people, I mean Jesus.

 

Kidnapped

 

Spanish language home invasion movie.

 

Round 3

 

Strangers, Funny Games, The Bleeding House…Shall I continue?

 

Needle

Those of you uncomfortable with the idea of the undead doing acupuncture should probably leave this one alone.

 

But

 

I don’t have such problems and this will at the very least be cringe inducing.

 

Porkchop

 

Campers + Guy in Pig Mask = Last Friday night.

 

Duh

 

It’s a slasher movie…I can’t stay away people I need help.

 

Psychic Experiment

Strangers with stranger abilities threaten the fabric of reality in an idyllic little town.

 

You got me

 

Normally I wouldn’t have given this one the time of day but it’s starring Katie Featherston- yup THAT Katie Featherston.

I want to see how she does when she’s given an actual script.

 

Santa Clause vs. The Zombies

 

Exactly what it sounds like.

 

Ho Ho…NOOOOOO

 

Maybe if they’re only playing A Christmas Story for 22 hours straight on the 25th.

 

Fright Night (2011)

The Colin Farrell laden reboot of the 1985 classic, a young boy thinks his neighbor might be a vampire…he’s right.

 

Bite Me

 

I like the original and this actually got a lot of good press, plus Christopher Minte-Plass is a personal favorite…I’d give it a try.

 

Jessicka Rabid

No synopsis available, just a pun for a title.

 

She’s not sick she’s just drawn that way.

 

The pun might be worth it but I have my doubts.

 

Kill Katie Malone

A group of friends buy a ghost on E-Bay, intentionally…no for real.

 

No for real

 

The dumb factor alone piques my interest.

 

Little Deaths

Three tales of sex and death.

 

Blue light special

 

Three for the price of one people!

 

Psycho Sleepover

Slasher at a slumber party…or possibly the long awaited videotape of Freddy Krueger’s 15th birthday bash.

 

Why hasn’t anyone made that movie?

 

The joke hypothetical is far more interesting but I’m still going to watch this.

 

The Undying

A woman falls in love with the ghost of a civil war soldier.

 

Blah di blah

 

Don’t let them ruin ghosts too…

 

Julia’s Eyes

A woman with a degenerative sight disorder finds her sister dead in the basement. As her condition worsens and she tries to piece together her sister’s murder, strange things start manifesting themselves around her.

 

I’m not sure how to feel about this.

 

I might watch it just to reward the filmmakers for writing a synopsis.

 

Saint Nick

Santa gets a gritty reboot just in time for the big day. In this movie he’s an evil child murdering bishop…

 

Hells to the yeah

 

Look the guy practices home invasion for a living and is carrying out surveillance on every child in the entire fucking world…you couldn’t tell he was a serial killer?

 

 

 

OH MY GOD…NEVER AGAIN…

 

 

BTW: Happy Thanksgiving sorry about that and don’t tell anyone about what Wall Cat did in Tahiti.

 

 

Your Engaged Screamstress,

 

 

(No really like I’m getting married…holy shit)

 

There's bling involved

 

 

~Fright Dyke

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