Allow me to make your year

Good Day Peasants,

 

That's right

You’ll be excited to learn that I have taken control of this establishment for the day. In a textbook coup d’ etat I have ended (if only temporarily) the denigration of my superior intellect and relegation of my far more informed opinion to caption fodder.

 

The shrew-bian has been driven from the blog for 24 hours, everyone rejoice and prepare to receive the bounty of my wisdom.

 

 

It's my birthday and I didn't feel like doing anything so I told him he could write the end of the year post...mostly because he doesn't realize they're always lame.

 

YOU WILL BE SILENT!

 

Anyway…today I shall render my opinion on EVERYTHING important in 2011, I make up the categories, I choose the winners….dissenters will be shot.

 

For my amusement

 

BEGIN!

 

 

Music

 

Song I listen to on repeat-

 

Raise Your Glass- P!nk

 

That's her...sumo wrestling the Monopoly guy

I like to be drunk, P!nk likes to be drunk…I don’t think she has a baby mama from Tahiti but there are probably other things we have in common. Sometimes I like to imagine that I could hang around her website instead of the Shrew-bian’s, then I fall asleep envisioning our PETA army destroying all those who oppose us.

 

Song that makes my ears bleed-

 

Moves Like Jagger-Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera

Seriously have you ever seen a more obvious douchebag?

 

I hate Maroon 5, I mean seriously is there a more off putting group of people on the planet? This song is terrible, this is like if that guy who date raped you sophomore year of college wrote a song about it and it sold millions of copies.

 

Person I want to pet me-

 

Lady Gaga

 

Guillermo del Toro does her costume design

Dude can you imagine how much fucking glitter? Can you? Imagine how much fucking glitter? Try it. No you can’t because it’s a hundred times more fucking glitter than you just imagined it’s ALL THE GLITTER in the FUCKING WORLD….ON MY BELLY.

 

Person I want to disembowel in front of everyone they love-

 

Justin Bieber

 

Dude Golden Retrievers aren't as derpy as this kid

I know some of you were expecting Rebecca Black but I kind of like that ‘Friday’ song…it’s catchy.

 

I mean Bieber is just encouraging the lesbians to keep their hair that way and I think that’s a capital offense.

 

Everybody's lookin' forward to the weeeekend, weeeekend!

 

Television

 

The Shrew-bian won’t spring for cable so I’m forced to see everything a year late but thanks to the miracle of the internet I’m all caught up.

 

Best Reality Show

 

Rupaul’s Drag Race

YOU BETTA WERK!

 

Seriously this show needs to run forever. All the glitter that is not on my belly, is in Shangela’s weave. Also I find it amusing that the Shrew-bian becomes sexually confused by at least one contestant every season. Rupaul is a fucking genius Halle-loo.

 

Best Scripted Show

 

Merlin

 

Also it's the BBC so it's just fucking better

I get the distinct impression this is only because I haven’t been able to watch American Horror Story yet, but this English import is absolutely addicting and I can’t wait until next season. And as the Shrew-bian is quick to cite: John Hurt is the voice of the dragon:

 

Just to make it relevant for you

 

And GILES is Uther Pendragon:

 

Apparently all you need to be king is the accent

 

 

Can’t lose.

 

Show that could use a script.

 

Can someone explain the purpose of 1 Girl 5 Gays to me? I mean could they have found a bigger bunch of shallow assholes to represent the gay community? I get that the show is supposed to be dishy but I mean these guys (and the one time they did a lesbian episode) are the most vapid, callous and outright stupid people I have ever heard speak on TV.

 

Memo: being bitchy when your talented is funny. Being bitchy when your not is infuriating.

They’re that one friend that doesn’t know that nobody else in the group really likes them, because they’re a terrible person, and everyone’s just putting up with them because they think everyone else likes them and then the second they find out everybody hates their stupid ass that guy gets kicked to the curb and then they go on television with other functional sociopaths to talk about how everyone else just isn’t ‘real’ enough for them.

 

Yeah, they’re that guy.

 

Attention: you are now jumping the shark-

 

Glee

 

That hand gestures getting less and less ironic...except for you Ms. Lynch.

I don’t know about you but High School Musical is so 2008. Also they don’t even give a shit about plot and continuity anymore as long as they can remix the hell out of every song you love and then make some prepubescent caricature of a human being sing it into the auto-tune machine.

 

Plus they gave Sue…feelings…it makes me uncomfortable.

 

 

 

Video Games

 

I don’t have opposable thumbs, so this is based mostly off of what I’ve watched the Shrew-bian do with her X-Box this year.

 

 

Ooh shiny-

 

Elder Scrolls V- Skyrim

 

Also Dragons

I want to go for a walk in this game. I mean the visuals are nothing short of stunning even without HD and the whole twenty minutes she’s had time to play made me afraid of Dragons and Spiders and Bears. I really thought I lucked out that there was no Fable being released this year but I think she found a fix anyway.

 

Which is fine with me because as soon as she loses track of time I get to start writing my own paychecks again.

 

Game I’d like to throw through a wall-

 

MLB 2K11

Honestly she gets so worked up about this guy I'm starting to question her sexuality...

 

Oh my god she plays it for hours and hours and all she does is yell at the screen because the physics engine sucks. You’d think she’d have figured out that no one gives a shit about realistic baseball games and stopped buying them by now but I still have to hear every screaming rant about how the Yankees would NEVER trade Derek Jeter for Gio Gonzalez and Daric Barton.

 

 

Best Horror Game of the year-

 

Despite some minor differences in how I define multiplayer co-op and Microsoft defines multiplayer co-op (all you fanboys can suck my dick they outright LIED on the back of the fucking box ok?) I still have to give it to:

 

Dead Island

 

I told you I'm SEEING SOMEONE.

I like watching her kill zombies, it’s soothing to me, I also like watching her rant and rave about getting eaten by zombies, it’s soothing to me. This game is just easy enough in places that you can put a real smackdown on the AI and just hard enough in places that it’ll give you nightmares for a week.

 

 

Movies that are not Horror Movies

 

Best Movie of 2011-

 

Bridesmaids

 

See this is the kind of chick flick everyone can enjoy

There is nothing about this movie that isn’t funny. The futility of it is just amazing.

 

 

Worst movie of 2011-

 

Twilight: Breaking Dawn

 

Ah Stephanie Meyer, teaching young girls that their ideal man will look like a heroin addict or a terminally ill hipster...

This will be the worst movie of the year every year that they make one.

 

Best Actor-

 

Alan Rickman

 

NO WORDS

He’s in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for ten minutes and it’s the only ten minutes that matters.

 

I WEPT PEOPLE.

 

Also I sound like him.

 

Uh...no you don't

Fuck you our voices are identical.

 

Best Actress-

 

Melissa McCarthy

 

Why aren't you more famous?

The reason Bridesmaids made this list.

 

 

Horror Movies

 

Ok so this is where you will be able to see the commensurate difference between having a commentator with actual insight as opposed to some pissant little video store clerk with delusions of grandeur.

 

Best Original Film-

 

Insidious

isinsidiousisinsidiousisinsidiousisinsidious...my eyes hurt

 

I like the part where the Shrew-bian soils herself.

 

eep

 

If you give a soil about what she had to say, click here.

 

 

Best Remake/Sequel-

 

Scream 4

 

Nerds rejoice!

I like the part where it doesn’t suck. Also Ghostface has given me some wonderful ideas for phone conversations with the Shrew-bian.

 

She had an opinion too.

 

Worst Original Film

 

Shark Night 3D

 

That picture seems to have been taken during the day...

I know she’s obsessed with the straight dolphins, but I mean come on. They stole footage from other shark movies for the opening credits, the plot was anemic at best, the sharks were SYFY quality and their ‘homages’ to Jaws were plagiaristic. I can’t believe this shit got a theatrical release.

Also this is 'the big one'...yup...bet you believed it when your girlfriend said it too there Mr. FX guy...

 

Worst Remake/Sequel-

 

The Thing

 

I have no strong opinion about this poster

I am a firm believer in the idea that bad attention is just as good as good attention and this thing just made me apathetic. When I don’t care enough to hate you…you fucked up big time.

 

Best Actor-

 

Roger Jackson

 

I've been told I sound like him

The voice of Ghostface is still the scariest part about him and I actually like actors who I can’t see better most of the time.

 

Best Actress-

 

Jessica Tyler Brown

She makes it look so easy

 

Never thought I’d be handing out this honor to someone from the Paranormal Activity Series, but any five year old that can stay in character that well with a monster she can’t even see? She gets my vote.

 

 

 

Miscellaneous

 

Worst thing to happen to you this year-

 

The Shrew-bian decides to spew her opinions all over the internet.

 

The Best thing to happen to you this year-

 

Uh….

 

 

Clearly

 

 

 

So thank your lucky stars…and don’t worry I’ll be back in 2012…

 

 

Don't worry I'LL be back in 2012

 

The most awesome thing to ever awesome,

 

 

 

 

~Wall Cat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IT'S FRIDAY FRIDAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY...SOMETHING SOMETHING...FRIDAY FRIDAY...PARTYIN' PARTYIN' YEEEAAAAAAHHHH

 

 

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