Top Ten Reasons Jason Voorhees is Better than You

Hi Folks,

 

So I realize it’s been 2012 for a little bit now and that we still haven’t done a DVD Tuesday, but I’m afraid it will have to be put off for a bit longer as there are some things that just can’t be ignored:

 

 

BOO YAH!

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH!

 

And in honor of my very favorite, date/day of the week combination we will of course be paying homage to the big guy, who was ever so kind in the not ripping my guts out through my esophagus way this last October. Because of course his name is Jason and today is his birthday…

 

For the love of GOD wish him a Happy Birthday...

 

 

 

Top Ten Reasons Jason Voorhees Is A Better Person Than You

 

 

You're sick in the head...

 

 

10. Kane Hodder-

 

That is a man holding action figures of himself...you will never be that cool

Let’s face it sometimes it really is about the man behind the mask and there’s NO WAY that if anyone ever made a movie about your life that you would get anyone half as cool as Kane Hodder to play you.

 

When they inevitably make the film of my life however I will insist on Rachel Maddow...I know she's not an actress but the resemblance is just too striking to ignore.

 

 

 

.....CAN'T....BREATHE....

 

FUCK YOU

 

9. He’s an innovative thinker-

 

...what...?

We’re all always getting told that we have to have the next big idea to get ahead right?

 

Well Jason has a remarkable ability to think on his feet. Fans of the Friday the 13th franchise (your humble Screamstress enthusiastically included) have been pointing to the just general awesomeness of Jason’s kills as irrefutable proof of franchise superiority for decades.

 

I mean come on he gave us this:

 

 

And this:

 

And this:

 

 

Ok just one more otherwise I’ve got a whole other list going:

 

 

Chemistry...working against you

 

 

8. Unfailing persistence-

 

 

Now obviously after we get into ‘Zombie Jason’ this is self explanatory but well before the big guy took the big dirt nap (the first time) he was the veritable huge hulking unstoppable engine that could.

 

Fuck you Oxygen!

 

And we love him for that.

 

 

7. Motivated self starter-

 

 

We all hate teenagers. The whining, self absorbed, mewling little pissants make us sick.

 

Why stop there?

But have you ever actually done anything about it?

 

Have you ever taken that unmitigated all consuming rage that you feel when you see someone under the legal drinking age and used it productively?

 

Above: Productivity

 

 

Without the voices telling you to?

 

 

 

He has.

 

 

 

6. Industry leader-

 

Now obviously Jason isn’t the only game in town here, we have choices. Which is why it’s so remarkable the lengths to which he’s gone to keep our attention:

 

151 or 173 kills-

 

Depending on who you ask, which sequels you count, whether the remake happened (it didn’t) and obviously ignoring the first film; Jason is the definition of prolific well outstripping every other slasher.

 

And don't you fucking forget it

(*Author’s note: I personally favor the lower counts because the higher ones tend to include number five. Jason wasn’t the killer in number five.)

 

9 sequels, 1 remake, 11 films overall-

 

Again this is sheer quantity. He’s got the most material, even after the remakes for other franchises are totaled and number five is subtracted. In this case I count number one and number five because Jason is still responsible for a very significant and memorable scare whether he was actually there or not.

 

Wanna do a marathon?

Jason is the only known (normally terrestrial) slasher to have killed in space. Thus bringing slasherdom into previously unknown territories.

 

One could say he boldly went...

 

5. He’s kind of an Anti-Hero-

 

Ok honestly let’s get real here. Jason Voorhees is one marketing spin away from being an action star.

 

He’s avenging the death of his mother…who was avenging his ‘death’ when she was killed.

 

He’s punishing people for socially unfavorable behavior…(pre-marital sex, drug and alcohol abuse, just generally being 17 etc. etc.)

 

Unstoppable force who routinely metes out particularly nasty deaths to characters with unsavory character attributes (to the cheers of a blood-giddy audience).

 

He was taunted and abused as a child, that abuse and the neglect of the oppressive class leading indirectly to his untimely ‘death’.

 

The more you look at it…I think Hollywood is sitting on blockbuster gold here.

 

Shia Laboeuf won't even need any makeup

 

4. He’s a bigger badass than you could ever hope to be-

 

There are a few moments, particularly in the later sequels when Jason does something almost out of character.

 

He kind of fucks with people; in the most badass way imaginable this is the best and most obvious example:

 

 

C’mon, you will never be able to do that.

 

 

3. He has no vices-

 

Jason is the picture of clean living, no booze, no drugs, no sex…no emotions….no soul…

 

 

I have no idea how he turns away the groupies

 

2. He has no gimmicks-

 

Jason Voorhees doesn’t need you to go to sleep to get to you:

 

Nyquil shares drop?

 

Jason Voorhees doesn’t need to dress in drag for shock value:

 

Though I am fond of the jacket...

 

Jason Voorhees doesn’t only work one night a year:

 

Yes, it is good and proper that you should facepalm

 

Saying Jason Voorhees’s name in the mirror five times only irritates him:

 

So do bees

 

Jason Voorhees doesn’t give a flying fuck how much you know about horror movies:

 

Or your fancy 'motives'...

 

And Jason Voorhees sure as HELL doesn’t need an engineering degree to kill you:

 

Or Costas Mandylor...seriously that was just fucking sad

 

 

  1. He Loves His Mama-

 

He killed 150 or 170 something people for his mom.

 

And sort of for us...thanks big guy!

 

 

You don’t even call yours do you?

 

 

You ungrateful bastards…

 

He disapproves of you

 

Well that’s all for today kiddies, I hope you feel suitably inferior and ashamed.

 

 

We’ll be back next week with DVD January and quite possibly a movie review or two or maybe even the elusive and endangered Ranturday will make an appearance.

 

In the meantime try not to do anything stupid or remotely fun for the next nine hours or so:

 

 

 

He'll be watching.....

 

 

 

 

I’m going to go call my mom…

 

 

 

 

Your lucky Screamstress,

 

 

 

 

 

~Fright Dyke

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