DVD Tuesday…here we go…

Hi Folks,

So it’s…past that time again. Life got a little hectic here for a bit, not that that’s an excuse but I’m totally using it as one.

 

Lazy ass

 

Someday I’ll learn not to do this.

Or at least to not do it every single fucking time.

One for one people keep it moving, keep it moving-

 

Uh, you've got something on your face...

 

Always From Darkness– A woman who happens to be of the sanguinarian persuasion has the hots for her neighbor.

Let her in– For those of you who don’t know SAT words the big long one that starts with an ‘s’ means vampire. Vampires are fun…usually.

I’m not home-Just once can they want to EAT the person they’re obsessing over?

 

It's ceiling cat

 

Cold Creepy Feeling: Paranormal Exorcism-A young couple move into a new home and start experiencing freaky shit. They call a spiritualist and there’s a sheriff involved too. Evidently someone thought ‘Hey what would happen if you put every haunted house/demon movie trope in the same film in a non-satirical fashion?’

I’m getting shivers– Sometimes you need something like this, sometimes just throwing everything in a dish and baking is delicious.

Turn the heat on– Sometimes you get avocado-tilapia-shrimp-hummus casserole.

*Shout out to Fright Bro To Be Named Later for his input on gross combos.

 

A tale of bad lighting

Head Case– A ‘pseudo-documentary’ culled from the home movies of two real serial killers, giving us a glimpse at the normal and not so normal facets of their lives. It’s part of a four part series.

Knowledge is power– True stories of man’s capability for evil tend to be really frightening just because you know it really happened.

‘Pseudo’ means something– About ten percent of what you see on screen may have actually been inspired by true third hand accounts of real events.

 

Don't forget the ferrari cake

Hell on Earth-A disabled teenager inadvertently releases the demons of hell and is then forced to clean up his own mess.

Handicapable– The wheelchair bound protagonist is an interesting bent. People with disabilities have a bad track record in the survival column for this genre.

 

Inaccessible– I haven’t seen the film but the fact that this decision feels distinctly gimmicky to me is upsetting.

 

She looks more surprised than scared...

Stag Night of the Dead– A british zom-com, a bunch of guys at a stag party go to a zombie shooting range and inadvertently let loose the shambling targets.

Boys will be boys– Boobs! Gore! More Boobs!

Dumb will be dumb– Lame jokes! These movies still suck!

 

Wow we really will make porn out of anything

Porn Star Zombies-Do you really need a synopsis?

You’ll know it when you see it– Boobs! Gore! More Boobs!

But do you really want to see it?– These movies suck even worse!

 

Winter of massacre is about crab fisherman

The Summer of Massacre-Billed as a ‘slasher anthology’ with not one but eight slicing/dicing antagonists. It’s big on hyping the gore factor but does not grace us with an explanation of it’s plot.

 

Eight is company– Anthology horror is one of my favorite formats, horror stories frequently suffer from being stretched into an hour and a half each. The willful suspension of disbelief for some of these depends on brevity and I see no reason why the slasher genre wouldn’t benefit from it too.

What’s that line about too many chefs?-  On the other hand slashers depend on suspense building and maintenance, bite size dismemberment might be forced to sacrifice atmosphere to accommodate all the players and that could get this one in trouble.

 

Hear her roar motherfucker

 

The Woman– A lawyer tries to civilize the last remaining member of a feral human clan. She isn’t ready to be housetrained yet…

Wild thing- Human as animal is always interesting.

You make my heart stop-   For about ten minutes.

 

Trilogy of camera angles

Paranormal Activity 3– Slamming doors and moving curtains ‘I love the 80’s’ style. This time with adorable children, but we’ve been over this.

Dude they are AWESOME at hide and seek

 

Dream House– Couple moves into new home and finds out that bad things have happened there. Guess what, it wasn’t asbestos.

Home is where the horror is- There are creepy children on the cover and mysterious circumstances always lead to interesting revelations.

The asbestos would have been worse- What I said above is a blatant lie, mysterious circumstances in this set up always lead to THE SAME revelations. I’ll put money on ‘entire family murdered, ghosts want them dead’.

 

Remake cubed

The Thing (r-2011)– A remake/prequel of John Carpenter’s classic remake. If you’re confused get clarified here.

 

Let's all go to Asylum...

2 Headed Shark Attack– Hmmmm… that is some ambiguous title there huh?

How many fins am I holding up?- Double the chum, double the fun!

Double dumb- Dude….really? How is this more frightening? Now you can’t escape by swimming ‘just to the left’?

 

Is that a cornfield? Like for real?

Mommy’s Little Monster– This one’s a little hard to pin down, apparently it’s a dual plot movie? Or maybe they intersect, I sure as hell can’t tell. But either way on the one hand we have a serial killer trying to stay on the non-dismembering wagon. On the other hand we have an urban youngster having a psychotic break after his Ipod gets jacked on the subway.

Double fisting awesome- I still have no idea what’s going on here, I love surprises!

Dual unwieldy- I still have no idea what’s going on here.

 

In the library...with the stake...

The Scarlet Countess– Sexploitation to the extreme makes an appearance in this ‘daringly erotic’ vampire movie. A bride of Dracula is pissed that she isn’t alive anymore so she has to eat (out), eat three willing virgin women…yup…Fright Dyke would like to remind you that Horror is not porn…

Daringly erotic- I just kind of like that promo.

Annoyingly shitty- My money’s on this one. The plot sounds like fan fiction for The Fearless Vampire Killers.

You were expecting perhaps an arachnid?

Spider Hole– Four homeless hipsters decide to squat in an abandoned UK building, but find that the house already has a resident… Seriously I should write the back of every DVD case from now on.

Squatter’s rights- Hipsters getting a beat down might be my idea of nirvana.

Get the hell off my lawn- I haven’t meditated nearly enough to be deserving of nirvana.

 

Not a musical

Ubaldo Terzani Horror Show– An Italian flick about a young screenwriter who gets the chance to collaborate with the paesan version of Stephen King. Turns out good horror writers tend to have sort of a, shall we say, darker personality.

Viva Italia- This one has some interesting implications, it’s just as much a study of people who like and create horror media as horror media in and of itself.

One bajillion lire- What do you think the odds are we’re going to come out of this looking good?

 

God I love 90's style floating heads

Filth to Ashes, Flesh to Dust– A serial killer named Purge kills people for being imperfect or undesirable. A bunch of teens figure they’re god’s gift to humanity and wander right on into his territory for a showdown.

 

Imperfect perfection- I love slasher movies, and moralistic killers tend to be an awful lot of fun. Plus tell me the marketing doesn’t do itself? New for 2012 the Purge doll, all the fun of slaughtering those inferior to you with none of the criminal charges!

Horrific cleansing- Moralistic killer movies can get pretty heavy handed. Look at me and tell me the worst part of the SAW movies wasn’t the constant harping on motive.

Should probably talk to your RA about that

 

Dorm of the Dead– Campus based zombie mayhem. I wish I could tell you it was more interesting than that.

Higher education- I’ve always kind of wondered how this movie hadn’t been made yet.

Lower entertainment- I’ve always kind of hoped they wouldn’t make it. I am straight up sick of zombie movies at this point. If you don’t have anything new to bring to the table, you can eat in the kitchen.

 

Not to be confused with 'Axey Tom'

Machete Joe– A group of  unemployed actors try to boost their careers by making their very own horror movie. Turns out they should have planned on a reality show.

Greenlight- Slasher again, I love ‘em, I watch ‘em.

Waiters make good money- Not that originality carries a whole lot of weight these days but I mean come on guys we’ve made this movie before.

 

Why does the military always have to have the badass name?

Stormhouse– The U.S. Military captures a supernatural being and naturally try to study it. When they bring in a medium that just pisses it off.

Mission Accomplished- I would be really interested as to how they ‘captured’ a ghost but it’s not like we haven’t been down that road before so I’m willing to give them a chance to make it innovative. Plus it’s always cool to see maximum firepower vs. corporeally challenged.

Full Retreat- The medium promises to be infuriating and there is always the chance that the ghost turns out to work for Al-Qaeda.

 

Is that a TANK? A TANK?

Super Shark– “That’s one big ass Shark!”~IMDB.com.  This is the only synopsis available.

Well allright then- Big ass sharks do tend to be sort of horrific.

Get out of the water- So does the production quality of films with one line synopses.

 

Simplicity is important

The Dead– Two men are stranded in the middle of nowhere during the Zombie apocalypse. Undead road movie…sort of.

Road trip!- The idea of plopping us down in what is essentially the middle of the story is surprisingly intelligent for a zombie movie. I appreciate directors who realize that we’ve probably seen a zombie movie before.

Staycation- They aren’t the first ones to try this, and judging by the premise there’s the distinct possibility of Enemy Mine influences.

 

Sexy

Devil’s Rock– Just before the invasion of Normandy, Allied intelligence discovers that the Nazis have a female demon in their arsenal.

D-Day- Nazis are seriously the best villain ever, ask any video game developer.

VD-Day- Nazi succubi… I’m going to go with no.

 

See if this were the monster...I might be able to eat 48 hours or so before watching this

Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence– The follow up to horror cinemas version of 2 girls, one Japanese man with indigestion.

I’ve got you’re back…ass…mouth…assmouth…ass?- The first one was surprisingly popular, and after all conformity is totally cool.

 

Bring back the cup- Dude this isn’t horror, it’s an hour and a half long episode of a Jackass/ Fear Factor cross over.

 

The hood is ominous

Killer By Nature– Ron Perlman stars in a movie about a young man whose horrific dreams of murder begin to come true.

 

Hell yeah boy- Ron Perlman is always fun, and occasionally adding plot to the mayhem is something even we here at Fright Dyke occasionally enjoy.

Freddy wants his genre back-  This is another one of those plots that gets recycled over and over again. While that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, those looking for something they haven’t seen before are going to want to look elsewhere.

 

Puff Puff Pass On

Bong of the Dead– Two stoners see the zombie apocalypse as a chance to try out undead flesh as fertilizer for weed.

Pass the dope- At least this time they’re acknowledging the heroes are morons.

This is your brain on dumb- That just means they feel the need to make them bigger morons than normal.

 

He looks kind of...alive

Dark Spirits– A woman has a premonition about her sister’s murder. When the events come to pass it seems that she may be next.

 

Me next! Me Next!- Again, plot is not at all an undesirable trait in horror, the not knowing is half the fun right?

I’ll hold your purse- There promises to be a boatload of angst following the first sister’s murder, have the fast forward button on standby.

 

Eyes wide shut with razor blades

House of Flesh Mannequins– Artsy horror show about a photographer who meets a young girl and gets involved in debauched mutilation…you know that old story.

Art is beauty- Examining the dark, primal nature of humanity is one of the principal goals of the genre.

Beauty is lame- Which totally explains the orgies…

 

Here we go again

Keepsake– Kidnapping/torture/tormented past…basically a young woman gets the shit kicked out of her for an hour by a redneck.

Up on the mantle- The situation is in fact terrifying, and again stripping humanity down to what we become under duress and all that.

In the junk drawer- For real I’m kind of done with this, there’ll be plenty of squirm worthy moments but not in a fun or entertaining way, more in a ‘I’m going to need ten showers to feel human again’ way.

 

Woohoo!

Monsters in the Woods– Pretty much exactly what it says. The humans in question are a film crew so there’s a chance for some found footage action here.

 

Head for the woods- The classics are back, I love large menacing beasts vs. puny humans who don’t know better.

I’m more of a beach girl- The Village anyone?

 

God damn Cillian Murphy

Retreat– A young couple escape to an isolated island, when an unexpected guest shows up with some fairly apocalyptic news. The flight for survival ensues.

Flight response- There’s the ‘what would you do?’ aspect to this that makes it interesting.

Fight response- All horror movies have that, not for nothing but whenever it’s set up like this the drama of the couple dynamic almost always drowns out the horrific implications of the apocalypse. While I’m all for putting a human face on terror, it can get pretty damn irritating if it’s overplayed.

Do you smell something?

Return to Blood Fart Lake– The sequel to campy slasher Terror at Blood Fart Lake. The scarecrow killer is back and taking out his frustrations on a group of ghost hunters investigating the original killings.

Camp is awesome- Lots of wonderful terrible things happen at camp, even camps with ridiculously, insanely bizarre names.

Wow…dude that’s really the title?- I don’t suppose we can expect them to take this seriously…

 

Doesn't quite match Elm Street does it?

Rosewood Lane– A radio psychologist (Rose McGowan no less) gets stalked by her paperboy.

Hey there muscly arm- Uh, Rose McGowan people? Do you need a better reason?

Do paperboys even exist anymore?- Honestly all the ‘paperboys’ these days are middle aged men throwing papers out of the busted out window of a mid level sedan…if they’re being realistic this could be pretty scary.

 

Uh...run that by me again?

Where the Dead Go to Die– A surreal animated feature about a couple of kids whose satanic dog friend takes them on rides to the hellverse.

Good doggy- Why the hell not? It worked for Berkowitz right? I mean that story had a happy ending didn’t it?

Hmmmm- Wow this sounds like crap on a stick doesn’t it?…

 

 Yeah that’s right…half of those don’t even make sense.

What the hell else is new?

But neither do the movies so y’know moving on:

 

 

Stuff I meant to tell you this week but didn’t:

 

 

 

Ok so on the Team Needles front- Our girl WON the first challenge and made it through the second week with overall positive reviews. She WON the third challenge and spent week four bitch fighting with a Telemundo hopeful who named herself after your aunt’s yappy Pekingnese.

Tired ass, over painted showgirl...

And you know she won with THIS:

Is that not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen on a runway?

Elvira was the funniest judge on the panel, I would like to officially voice my support for her permanently replacing the bearded mole rat currently in charge of ‘fashion’ expertise.

Besides Michelle Visage...THESE are breasts.

I’m in love.

Also a brief administrative note; I have officially buckled and signed up for the Twitter so if you have something to say, say it @fridyk.

 

Ahem

Wall cat got one too, so if for some reason you would like to speak directly to the bane of my existence you can drop him a twit @ProfWallCat.

 

 

 

 

 

Your twitty Screamstress,

 

 

 

~Fright Dyke.

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