Holy crap- Catch Up Friday (the 13th)

Hey Folks,

So yeah….holy crap here we are again. Weeks with no posting, movies piling up, reviews half finished that I started in February; just another Friday here at Fright Dyke.

 

And of course on top of all that this is also the SECOND Friday the 13th of 2012. As in the sequel to January.

Lucky bastard...two birthdays a year...

So yeah we’re gonna do a DVD Tuesday and a Theater Thursday and for once Wall Cat isn’t going to give me crap about it because I’m too tired to care what he thinks right now.

Too tired.

DVD Tuesday

I don’t think I even have to mention this anymore but we’re going with a one for one this…month…quarter…semester?…you don’t really give a fuck do you?

 

 

 

Absentia–  A woman who’s husband has been missing for seven years; begins one final investigation into his disappearance and finds that a supernaturally powerful tunnel may be the root of her problem.

Be there for it

 

Mysterious tunnel? Sounds kind of intriguing to me.

Let’s not and say we did

 

Or the plot will fall down a hole faster than the protagonist.

Bag of Bones– It’s a Stephen King Mini-series. I’ll give you thirty guesses to name the main character’s profession and the setting….go…..yeah he’s a writer in Maine. His dead wife talks to him there’s a kid involved somehow…you’re gonna watch it.

It’s uncle Stevie guys

 

No matter how much crap this guy puts out I still line up every time he grabs a shovel.

It’s Uncle Stevie guys

 

I didn’t say that attitude was rational.

Wound– Uh…from what I can piece together, our protagonist is a ghost with mommy issues, who possesses said mother to torture her, including themes of ‘mental illness, incest and revenge’. Sounds like a fun time.

Mommy Dearest

 

The ghost seems to be female…this is novel. No really think about it. How many girls with mommy issues are there in horror movies? You can name ten male villains right off the top of your head can’t you? Name me a girl.

Sidney Prescott

I said a villain

Dude she's totally the killer in Scream 5

Fuck you Wall Cat

FUCK!

 

Yeah the feminist theory above was the only reason I could think of for watching this.

Claustrofobia­– This is the plot the filmmakers have provided:

When Eva opens her eyes a young girl finds herself chained terrified for being abused. Her fears become reality in a way no one could ever imagine.

If you can make sense of that….please tell me.

Sure! Why…not…

 

I might not even know how good it is…it might be indecipherable genius.

Uh did you read that?

 

The fact that the title is misspelled, probably for effect (I hope) doesn’t bode well.

Creature– It’s a good old fashioned ‘killer mutant in the swamps of Louisiana’ movie…I like it already.

Get yer waders

 

It’s hard to mess this up.

Stay in town

 

That doesn’t mean they won’t try.

 

Jarring– This one is legit interesting. A few friends dial a wrong number to get a bizarre, rhyming voicemail. As they keep calling the message changes and someone is luring them into some kind of game…that’s definitely new.

For a good time…

 

I really want to know what’s going on here.

Call someone else

 

Hopefully that won’t change five minutes in. The sing songy rhyme we’re dealing with here has a chance to get real old real fast.

Resurrection County– Four suburban campers + backwoods hicks = direct to dvd horror.

Raise me up

 

This one’s kind of a no brainer; carnage candy all around.

I’m an atheist

 

Why didn’t you just name it Wrong Turn 19?

The Ritual– A serial killer takes an apprentice, unfortunately they have artistic differences.

Come to the darkside

 

Come on; we all love to find out how the villain works.

They cast Hayden Christianson

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  But seriously; what chance do you think this has that both of the bad guys will be bad for long?

Season in Hell: Farmhouse Torture– Another 70’s retro homage, this time terrorist attacks force city kids into the backwoods, where they find a Leatherface wannabe with a bunch of women and the gate to hell in his basement.

I hear the country’s lovely this time of year

 

That’s one hell of a basement he’s got huh?

I’ll stick with the city

 

It’s an ‘homage’ there is a universal rule for homage’s…they universally suck.

Splintered– A young girl explores an abandoned building on a dare; but discovers a terrifying feral creature within.

Curiosity killed the hour and a half

 

This one’s got the potential to be really interesting. They’re setting up a game of cat and mouse, primal terror possibly at it’s best.

My Xbox can do that too

 

I’m a little concerned that the relatively simple plot could get convoluted really quickly; very few screenwriters have the patience to let cat and mouse play out.

Camel Spiders– What if those effed up Afghani desert spiders turned up in Utah?….Let’s make a movie out of it!

That’s one hell of a combo

 Roger Corman…also:

The real spiders are in fact terrifying:

 

Uh...yeah

Insert hump joke

 

The one’s in the movie will not look real and thus not terrifying.

 

Die– Six strangers are kidnapped and forced to roll a die to determine whether or not they get to live….Unless they’re a level 12  Ravenshieldswordeagle paladin…then they can use a saving roll to tap their invisibility cloak of LARP to completely confound the killer…and get to touch your sister’s bra.

For those of you who are high…everything after the word ‘live’ was a joke…thank god.

For those of you who are already typing the flame comment to tell me that Ravenshieldswordeagle paladins can’t use saving rolls under the new laws of the Grimmeriemoire tome…my apologies.

Quest on

 

It’s Saw with a PG-13 rating and Elias Koteas. But why not?

Game over

 

The best thing to come out of this movie will most likely be the long winded D&D joke I gave you a moment ago.

 

 

Gruesome Death of Tommy Pistol– Apparently Tommy Pistol is a real person and is involved in the ‘adult-horror’ genre. The only information I could find on this film was one of his more devoted fans bemoaning that this film is a ‘blemish’ on his otherwise apparently great career…yeah I think that’s all I need to know.

For real?

 

The porn was better? THE PORN?!

Not for play

 

THE PORN?!

 

 

Eyes of the Woods– Monster in the woods + teenagers in the woods = direct to DVD horror.

Keeping it simple

 

Again; it’s hard to mess this up.

Simply the worst

 

Again; you’re underestimating them.

 

 

Bane: An Experiment in Human Suffering– A british indie film about a group of paranormal investigators who discover someone called ‘the surgeon’…I’m sold.

Prep the OR

 

His name’s the surgeon.  Surgeon + human suffering. Uh…duh.

Cancel my appointment

 

There may or may not be aliens. Aliens are never good things to may or may not have.

 

The Darkest Hour– Aliens are stealing our electricity…and apparently using it as a biological weapon as well. A mainstream release for once.

I love the darkness

 

This actually looked really cool in the trailer, there’s a possibility for some real suspense and for once they actually have a special effects budget.

Turn on the light

 

Sometimes even the certainty of aliens sets my teeth on edge.

 

Kill– Six strangers are abducted and awake in an old house where I shit you not; men in tiki masks taunt them into killing each other.

Luau!

 

It should be worth it just for the laughs.

Tiki makes me sneeze

 

Theoretically, this isn’t a comedy.

 

No Body Found– Young people are going missing in Orlando; the victims of a sadistic killer.

I’ll help you look

 

This one has a realistic bent that might actually make us care about the victims for a change.

Have you checked your car?

 

Yeah I’m gonna go with, ‘I’ll be annoyed by the teenagers’ in about twenty minutes. Plus watching the overly dramatic parent crying/ vowing to find their kid scene will cause me to fall asleep.

 

Rat Scratch Fever– Giant alien rats terrorize LA.

Rodents of unusual awesome!

 

Again simplicity is beauty.

Rodents of…usual awesome…which isn’t that awesome really…

 

Can someone say SYFY CGI?

 

Trippin’– Six friends go to a cabin in the woods, something to do with marijuana aaaaaannnnd….death.

Evil Bong 4

 

Again laughs should be worth it.

Evil Bong 5

 

Why is it always six? Seriously am I the only one who sees this? If you go out and there are more than five and less than seven people in your party…go the fuck home.

I would like to be clear that I’m not insinuating that any other number is safe; just that six is CLEARLY NOT.

 

7-Below– A group of strangers (possibly more or less than six) are trapped in a house that’s trapped in a time warp, forcing them to relive something terrible that happened there 100 years ago.

Let’s do the time warp again…

 

The fact that they’re just owning the whole time travel thing kind of makes me want to reward them.

Seriously?

 

For real? This is what Val Kilmer’s career is reduced to? The guy was fucking BATMAN.

The Divide– Several people survive a nuclear attack by hiding out in a high rise apartment building, after the bomb goes off they sort of lose their shit…understandable.

Getting to know you…

 

This is another one of those ‘people are scarier than everything’ type films that I just love.

Getting to hope you die horribly

 

I refer you to Indy and the refrigerator…the title card isn’t up and I’m already questioning whether or not the filmmakers understand what nuclear fallout is.

 

Episode 50– Two rival ghost hunting shows team up for a special investigation…turns out the believers were right.

What was that?!

 

Isn’t this sort of what we all hope for when we watch these shows? I mean this is pure fantasy fulfillment.

No one but you heard anything…including the camera and audio guys…

 

Something tells me this can’t live up to my imagination.

 

That does it for at home horror this month/quarter/semester/we’ve already established that neither of us give a fuck. On to the Theater!

 

 

 

Theater Thursday

 

 

Yeah one for one. It is sooooo past my bedtime.

 

 

The Corridor– Some friends go to the woods for a weekend and follow a path that they shouldn’t have.

Follow the breadcrumbs

 

This one is suitably cryptic. The menace could be anything!

Aren’t corridors usually an indoor thing?

 

It could even be a good villain! You know how we’ve always wanted one of those!

 

 

Intruders– Two children in separate countries are stalked by ‘The hollow faced man’.

You had me at hollow faced

 

Come on that sounds downright creepy.

Child sized fears

 

There’s always a chance this takes a turn for the non-horrific family drama thing. Clive Owen’s in it.

 

 

The Cabin in the Woods– Five friends go on a weekend trip to a cabin in the woods (surprise) and shit goes DOWN. Seriously if you haven’t seen the trailer for this already you’re living under a rock.

Grab your camping gear

 

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! JOSS WHEDON WROTE A HORROR MOVIE! OMG OMG OMG!

Cabins aren’t real camping

 

OMG GUYS HE WROTE BUFFY! AND FIREFLY! AND DOLLHOUSE!…AND….Angel…and oh wait this isn’t a TV show with four years to create a story arc or involved characters…shit….

OMG GUYS HE WROTE BUFFY I’M SO THERE!

 

 

Detention– A serial killer stalks teenagers at a local high school. The Breakfast Club tries to stay alive.

 

Don’t you…forget about me….

 

Seriously this could be so incredibly satisfying.

I HATE THAT SONG

 

Maybe if it were actually the cast of The Breakfast Club

 

 

 

 

Ok so that does it for what’s new. You know until the next time I feel like actually doing something around here.

I feel it’s only fair that I off you some kind of explanation.

 

 

I’m sort of putting my money where my mouth is; so to speak.

 

 

I’m writing a horror story.

 

 

Let’s see if all the hours and hours of my life that I’ve wasted trying to scare the shit out of myself have translated into an understanding of how to scare the shit out of others.

 

 

Now since writing fiction isn’t quite the same as offering up bite sized quips about how everybody else’s creative processes have resulted in abysmal failure that can’t entertain me; this is taking up a TON of my free time.

 

 

Which is unfortunately also the time that I have allotted for you…so the posting is going to continue being sporadic until I at least get a draft finished.

 

 

The good news is that when it is done. I will offer those of you who are inclined a chance to see what I’ve been cheating on you with.

 

 

 

But only if you promise to take me back.

I promise it’s not prettier than you.

 

 

Oh and for the record:

 

TOP 3 BITCHES!!!

GO TEAM NEEDLES!!

 

 

 

 

Your stretched thin Screamstress,

 

 

 

~Fright Dyke

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One Response to “Holy crap- Catch Up Friday (the 13th)”

  1. I have NO idea where your ability to weave cutting sarcasm comes from, really, none at all. But this post especially cracked me up. As Deniro would say, You……. You got a gift…. You.

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