Movie Review- Zombie Diaries

Hey folks,

 

So remember how I told you like an hour ago, and once or twice in the last four days that today we were doing 28 Days Later?

 

Guess what Netflix didn’t send me….

 

In all fairness they weren’t far off

 

So in order to keep on schedule and stick with the theme, we’re switching it up a bit and substituting something I own but have never watched….(don’t ask how).

 

Zombie Diaries

 

 

 

 

Fast Facts

 

Made in 2006, this is a British import divided into several sections and shot found footage style. One segment follows a group of documentary filmmakers making a movie about British preparedness for a mysterious virus currently spreading in Asia and eastern Europe.  Unfortunately their assertions that the government is doing fuck all turn out to be extremely true The filmmakers make absolutely no attempt to explain why the people in the other segments have cameras or dedicate an otherwise useful living person to operating them.

 

Posterity > survival

 

 

Cast

 

Normally I’d rattle off a list of actors and make funny jokes about how they were terrible, but this is an ensemble cast and you don’t end up the slightest bit attached to a single character so fuck that. I won’t say the actors themselves did a bad job but I’m doing them a favor not printing their names.

 

No really guys I got your back on this one

 

 

Observations

 

 

Ok, so I’m not going to sugar coat this.

 

 

Welcome to the very first truly bad review on Fright Dyke.

 

 

This movie is a piece of shit.

 

It’s every zombie trope, done in the dumbest possible way, with none of the tension that average zombie flicks can muster.

 

 

You’re getting a breakdown anyway.

 

 

 

  1. Uh this is a zombie movie right?

 

This movie is 85 minutes long….about 84 minutes of that, there is absolutely no fear on the part of anyone that someone could conceivably be eaten by a zombie at some point in the near future in the event of a solar eclipse while Jupiter is in the fifth house..

 

The horror

The main villain is actually some Irish guy named Goke (yes you read that correctly, yes it’s pronounced like he’s a pokemon) who for absolutely no reason that would ever attempt to be explained decides to rape zombies (without getting infected apparently condoms which are readily available have a 100% effectiveness rating against something that’s spread by any kind of bodily fluid contact at all) and then shoot everyone he lives with who are providing him with food and protection from the shambling dead.

 

Because this is Zombie Diaries.

 

 

 

  1. For real?

 

 

Ok so I decided to do something that is a big no-no, immediately after watching this I turned it on again, with the writer and director commentary on. I have occasionally done this to try to see the film from the point of view of the director and see if it sucks less that way.

 

First off they say this isn’t going to be self congratulatory like other commentaries , it’s going to be straight up.

 

They then proceed to talk about how everything they chose to do was perfect.

 

Now there was one minorly troubling sequence in this movie, the first zombie find, where one of the characters go through three empty rooms before hitting paydirt, amping up the anticipation factor and delivering the only actual scary moment in this entire fraudulently scary film.

 

Congratulations maam, you are the pickle on the shit sandwich

Apparently that happened entirely by accident because these two shmucks decided not to tell the actor which room the zombie was in. So an actor being directionless inadvertently created the only passably decent excuse for tension you have in your entire movie and you admit that on the commentary? Are you high?

 

 

  1. Soapbox

 

 

This film is actually surprisingly preachy for a movie with this little coherent dialogue.  Romero used metaphor fuck heads, it works a lot better.

 

There’s direct commentary on American gun culture for instance.

A comparison of the survivors to those in the towers during 9/11, read directly into the camera with a breakdown of what his thoughts would have been if he had been there. (The commentary assures us none of the americans he’s shown the film to found that offensive in the least)

 

But the real issue here, is that apparently zombies only come out at night, zombies hide and zombies play dead until you poke them with a stick and even after that they’ll wait for you to turn around before running away again.

 

You made a zombie movie, the zombies should act like zombies.

 

MORE

 

OF

 

THIS

 

 

 

Conclusion

 

I’m not going to waste any more of your or my time on this one but to sum up:

 

 

This movie is shit.

 

I’m sorry.

 

GODDAMN YOU NETFLIX!

 

This still totally counts towards the Shocktober countdown.

 

I will attempt to make this up to you anyway.

 

 

All in all 2 out of 10

 

 

 

Yeah

 

Your pissed off Screamstress,

 

 

 

 

~Fright Dyke

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